Faramir Fiction Archive

That which you can never have (NC-17)

Written by Anorienbean

24 April 2007 | 23005 words

Chapter 8

Faramir sat alone on the floor all though the night, carefully gathering the pieces of the chair Haldir had so lovingly made for him as the tears streamed down his face. He didn’t think he had the strength to push Haldir away, but he had to… for his own safety. But he allowed himself, during the long hours of darkness, to dream of how a life with Haldir would be, if things had been different, if he had been ‘normal’, and if he could have had but one wish granted.

He was determined to crawl back up into his bed and tell Haldir that he no longer wished to see him. He had no other choice, after all, but as the sun began to rise, he found himself trying to put the splintered pieces of wood back together. Impossible, of course, but he had to try.

That was how Haldir found him, blood dried on one side of his face, sobbing quietly, sitting on the floor surrounded by dozens of pieces of kindling. He looked so vulnerable and alone that Haldir fell to his knees beside Faramir before he even closed the door behind him.

Faramir looked up, eyes red and swollen and still full of tears, and tried to find the words to make Haldir leave, tried so hard to tell him, but instead, he only shook his head, and cried harder. His life had been full of brutal truth, and he simply didn’t have it in him to tell such a blatant lie. “He broke the chair you made me,” he whispered.

And then Haldir’s arms were around him, holding him tightly, causing Faramir to moan as his bruised ribs were squeezed.

Haldir stopped, gently pulled the pieces of wood from Faramir’s hands and, without touching his ribs and being more careful than ever, pulled him close. “Who did this?” he whispered. “What happened to you, love?”

The last word, a single, four-lettered word, spoken so lovingly, was all it took to break Faramir’s heart. Throwing his arms around Haldir, mindless of the pain in his hip and ribs, he cried so loudly, practically everyone in the sickhouse heard him. Enrif, however, had ordered everyone to stay away, thinking that at any moment, the Elf would finally leave them in peace, and let their lives get back to normal.

Faramir couldn’t speak, so Haldir simply held him for over an hour, kissing his eyes and his forehead, rocking him gently and whispering that no one would ever hurt him again. As the story finally came out in bits and pieces between Faramir’s brokenhearted sobs, Haldir felt a rage building in him that rivaled even the fury he knew in battle, when his only thought was to kill his enemy, or, especially if it was an orc, to make him die a long, and painful death. That was just the type of death Faramir’s father deserved, he thought.

“So… so you see, Haldir,” Faramir finally managed, “you… have to… to leave, and never come back here.”

“No.”

Faramir shook his head and wiped his tears on Haldir’s tunic. “You have to. You aren’t safe here, you aren’t safe with me!”

“You’re right,” Haldir said softly. “It’s not safe here, for your father will undoubtedly pay someone to kill me.”

“Aye… he probably already has,” Faramir said, his eyes and throat burning from crying so hard and for so long, thankful that Haldir would go with no further argument. “You should leave today, right now.”

“Yes, today,” Haldir said. “I will leave today, later this morning. And you, my dear one, are coming with me.”

“I… I cannot…”

“Do you remember,” Haldir interrupted him, “when you said you could not ride a horse, and I asked you only if you wanted to?”

Faramir nodded and rubbed the back of his sleeve against his nose.

“Then I ask you again… do you want to leave this place, Faramir? Do you want to live in the world, to live with me in a place where you wouldn’t have to hide, where you wouldn’t have to be afraid?”

“Haldir, you aren’t making sense…”

“Do. You. Want. To?” Haldir’s voice was firm, even as his fingers were gentle on Faramir’s face.

Closing his eyes in defeat, Faramir rested against Haldir’s shoulder. “Aye. But it is not possible…”

“Nothing is impossible,” Haldir promised him, carefully resting his hand on the back of Faramir’s neck and kissing his lips. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m in love with you, Faramir, and I will not leave you behind.”

Despite everything that had just happened, Faramir felt something warm and wonderful blooming in his heart. Haldir loved him. This beautiful, exquisite Elf loved him, wanted a life with him. “Oh, Haldir, I love you too, but…”

Haldir kissed him again, stealing his words and making him wonder if it was, indeed, possible. “I love you, and you love me,” the golden Elf whispered. “And that’s all that matters. Everything else will work itself out.”

Haldir picked up Faramir and carried him to the baths. It was still early, and they were thankfully alone. He’d never been inside the baths, always thinking Faramir would prefer some things to be private, but now was not the time to worry about such things.

He locked the door behind them, sat Faramir down on a bench against the wall, then methodically emptied large pots of water that were heating over blazing fires into a large, bath tub. He added some cooler water, checked the temperature, and then moved back to his lover, gently removing first Faramir’s clothes, then his own. In all their time together, they had never seen each other fully undressed, and Faramir almost panicked, thinking that surely, Haldir would turn away when he saw his legs without the breeches Faramir always wore. Haldir, however, simply let his hands move soothingly over every part of his lover’s body, treating his legs no differently than he treated his arms or his back, simply soothing, and relaxing, loving and wanting to take each and every pain away.

Faramir, for his part, was simply stunned into silence as Haldir’s body was revealed to him. He had never seen anything so beautiful in all his life, and he was blushing furiously, but couldn’t bring himself to look away.

When they were fully undressed, Haldir picked Faramir up again, and stepped into the tub, sinking slowly into the water. On most days, Faramir was left to undress himself, and then practically dropped into the bath, every bone in his body jarring as it hit the hard bottom, and rarely having the luxury of more than half a pot of hot water. Haldir, however, had used them all, over a dozen, and the water was pleasantly warm for the first time Faramir could remember.

Slowly, with the utmost care, Haldir cleaned the blood from Faramir’s dear face, stopping only to steal a kiss now and then. “I will take you to safety, then return and make your father sorry for this,” he said matter of factly. “And then you and I will start our lives anew, anywhere you like.”

“But… but you have to take Rulen back home, and…”

“I sent Rulen home weeks ago.” Haldir smiled at the surprise in Faramir’s eyes. “I couldn’t bear the thoughts of leaving you, so I sent one of my captains with him.”

Faramir sat in silence for a moment, shocked that Haldir would stay for him. “Haldir, I can’t just leave with you, though I would dearly love to…”

“Why?”

Faramir was finally able to think now, the dull throbbing in his head slowly abating.

“Well…” He paused. Why couldn’t he leave this place? Well, besides the obvious. Haldir might love him now, but Faramir knew he was a burden. Enrif told him that every day, and how could he put someone he loved through the arduous tasks of taking care of him?

Before he could answer, they heard someone shaking the door. Keys were inserted, and Enrif quickly entered the room, closing the door behind him, and staring at Haldir, who still sat with Faramir in his lap. Faramir cringed, but didn’t look away, feeling stronger by the simple fact that Haldir was with him.

“You foolish, stubborn Elf! Why don’t you just leave?”

Haldir looked calmly at Enrif and smiled, though the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I am leaving. And Faramir is going with me.”

Enrif’s mouth dropped open and he laughed cruelly. “Why on all of Arda would you want him? He’s nothing but trouble, always needing something, always helpless, always enough to make one sick to look at him.”

Working to keep his face impassive, Haldir felt Faramir began to tremble in his arms. “I want him because I love him,” he said quietly. “He is no trouble, he is not helpless, and I think he is the most incredibly beautiful being I have ever laid eyes on.”

“But… he is crippled!” Enrif’s voice rose and his fists clenched at his sides, thinking of Denethor’s monthly ‘contribution’ to keep Faramir out of sight. He wasn’t going to lose that without a fight.

“He is perfect,” Haldir countered, Faramir’s reassuring weight on his legs the only things keeping him from jumping up and strangling the old healer. “You know, given the choice, Enrif, I would rather much rather have Faramir’s legs than your black heart. His legs may not look like yours or mine, but at least the disease that scarred him left him with the ability to love, and know happiness, and compassion, unlike you.” As he spoke Haldir’s hands ran over Faramir’s legs, sliding over the scars from the surgeries they’d performed on him as a child, gently massaging wasted muscles. “And, Enrif, I will give you until the count of 10 to leave us.” His hands were still lovingly moving over Faramir’s legs, but his eyes had grown cold. “One.”

“Oh and what will you do, Master Elf? I have the protection of Lord Denethor. You can’t touch me!”

“Two.”

Enrif was taken aback by the look in Haldir’s eyes, but wasn’t all that afraid just yet.

“Three.”

“Four.”

“Five.”

Haldir paused and looked at Faramir for a moment. “Shall I throw him into the fires, love, or simply drown him? I think the fires would be more poetic… so he would be scarred on the inside as well as the outside, even in death.”

He looked back up to Enrif, not even a hint of a smile upon his face. “Six.”

Enrif took no further urging. As he raced from the room, he weighed the fury in Haldir’s eyes against the rage in Denethor’s earlier that morning. Deciding that Haldir would never stop until he killed him, while Denethor, at least would have to take the time to order his death, he didn’t stop running until he’d reached the outskirts of the city, vowing never to return to the house that he hated so much, to the people he despised and had had to take care of every day.

Faramir almost giggled at the look on Haldir’s face, but then he remembered the chair, and his father’s words, and all his doubts and worries came back at once. “I’m sorry about the chair,” he whispered as he rested his head on Haldir’s shoulder. I should have found a way to stop him…”

“Shhh, meleth.” Haldir closed his eyes and kissed Faramir’s forehead. “I will make you another chair, one out of the mallorn trees of the Golden Wood, one better than the first.”

Faramir smiled faintly and nodded. “But… I cannot live in a talan, and I cannot be a good lover to you, and while I can learn to do some things by myself, I will never stop being a burden, I will never stop needing you to help me with so many things.”

“We will build a talan on the ground,” Haldir countered, “you already are the love of my heart, so making love with you will be perfect, you will never be a burden, and I will never stop needing you as much, if not more, than you will ever need me.”

There were no other arguments to be made, Faramir knew, none that Haldir couldn’t win. And though he was still certain he would be more of a burden than Haldir knew, he couldn’t stay here. Maybe, just maybe, he and Haldir could have a few happy months – or even years – together before it all became too much. Or maybe, once they left Gondor, Haldir would see what Faramir meant by being a burden, and would simply take him to another town, another sickhouse, one were he might possibly be treated better. “Gods, I love you, Haldir,” he whispered, burying his face against the Elf’s neck. “For as long as you’ll have me, I’ll love you.”

“Then you’ll love me forever,” Haldir murmured. “Just as I will love you.”

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