Faramir Fiction Archive

That which you can never have (NC-17)

Written by Anorienbean

24 April 2007 | 23005 words

Chapter 5

Another routine was in place, and Haldir began taking Faramir out almost every day, much to Enrif’s disdain. They never strayed from the safety of the sickhouse boundaries, however, and though Faramir no longer felt that he needed to cling to Haldir, he nevertheless always sat by him, often leaning against him for both the comfort and the pleasure it brought him.

Little was said about Haldir’s Elven friend, and by the time he was deemed ready to travel, Haldir had already decided to have one of his captains return Rulen to Lórien, as he was unwilling to leave Minas Tirith just yet.

The second time Haldir was late for his visit with Faramir, it too was for a good reason. He carried Faramir outside and sat him in a chair just under the long branches of the shade tree they’d spent so many hours beneath. Faramir had been talking and looked up at the sky, and was almost startled when he was deposited neither on Haldir’s lap nor on the soft grass as usual, but on another chair, this one softer, with smooth, planed wood and cushions behind and underneath him. He looked down at the chair, and his mouth fell open. It was a chair, yes, but it had wheels as well, spoaked wheels as one would find on a wagon, though smaller. “Haldir… what…”

Haldir simply smiled and moved behind the chair, pushing it around the small enclosure. The chair moved… and, to Faramir’s utter astonishment, he found that he could push the wheels and move it himself! It was difficult on the grass but when they moved closer toward the house onto the tightly packed dirt, it was surprisingly easy. He looked up at the Elf behind him and reached for his hand, urging him to move from behind the chair to in front of it. As soon as Haldir was before him, Faramir flung himself into his friend’s arms, knowing that Haldir would catch him. Never before had he ever dreamed of such a gift, and he was so overcome with joy, he could barely speak. “Thank you,” he whispered again and again. “How did you… I mean, I never thought… and I have no idea how to… thank you, Haldir. You have just made me the happiest man on Arda.”

Haldir closed his eyes and held Faramir close against him, taking in the scent of his freshly washed hair and the sweet, wonderful scent that was Faramir’s alone. “You don’t have to thank me,” he said softly. “I’ve been making this after I leave you in the evenings, hoping it would please you. And the day is not over… I have one more surprise for you after lunch.”

They spent the morning getting used to the chair. Faramir’s arms ached from the new activity, and he was more grateful than he could say when Haldir began pushing the chair around the small yard as effortlessly as pulling up a blade of grass.

For his part, Haldir missed being able to sit with Faramir, but the joy on his face at being able to move under his own power was enough to make the ache a bit less noticeable.

When they had finished their lunch, Haldir settled Faramir in his new chair and moved toward the side of the sickhouse, promising to return in only a moment. He’d paid one of the aids to run a little errand for him, and when he returned, he was leading a medium sized, sweet natured cream-colored horse. It was already saddled and bridled and it looked as gentle and retiring as an animal of that size could possibly look. Faramir stared at the horse in fascination, but didn’t try to come any closer. The next thing he knew, Haldir had picked him up and was speaking Elvish as he walked toward the horse, who was calmly munching on the precious grass that Faramir had only so recently touched for the first time.

After a few encouraging words from Haldir, Faramir reached out and let his fingertips brush over the soft muzzle of the animal. So much had happened in so short a time, he had almost convinced himself that this was a dream… and he would surely wake from it all too soon.

“Would you like to ride him?” Haldir’s voice was soft and he watched Faramir’s eyes sparkle with disbelief.

“I… I cannot, Haldir, I…”

“Would you like to?”

Faramir looked up at Haldir, remembering Enrif’s words. “You mustn’t waste your time wishing for that which you can never have.” When he was with Haldir, though, anything seemed possible. “I would love to,” he whispered honestly. The next thing he knew, he was held even more tightly against the warmth of Haldir’s body as the Elf sprang gracefully up into the saddle. He carefully positioned Faramir on the saddle in front of him, letting his legs fall uselessly down on each side and wrapped one arm securely around the young man’s chest.

Faramir leaned back against Haldir, trembling and suddenly worried that Haldir meant to leave him up there alone, until he felt long Elven legs settle into the stirrups and rest behind his own legs, supporting them easily. Faramir clung to Haldir’s arm, certain now that he was dreaming, because everyone knew that there was no way on Arda he could actually be riding a horse. “Haldir…”

“I’ve got you, dear one,” Haldir said softly. “I won’t ever let you fall.” After several turns around the small enclosure, Faramir relaxed slightly, and slowly began to appreciate that he was, in fact, actually riding a horse, the one thing he’d dreamed all his life of doing.

Haldir placed the reins in Faramir’s hand and wrapped his own around the young man’s still shaking fingers. He spoke softly, explaining how to make the animal go where he wanted. When Faramir tried to make his legs work enough to hold himself steady in the saddle, or at least urge the horse on, however, he sighed in frustration as they refused to do more than tremble with the effort.

Though he said nothing, Haldir noticed, and then set about teaching both Faramir and the horse how to direct the beast with only the reins.

Even when the moon came out, Faramir was reluctant to get off the horse, which he had named Nahar. Haldir, however was afraid of making him stiff and sore, and only when he slid from the saddle with Faramir still in his arms did he realize his companion thought he would never again see the animal. Though Faramir said nothing as his arm automatically wound around Haldir’s neck, the Elf could see the sadness in his eyes and it broke his heart. “Faramir… I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier. Nahar is yours. I bought him for you yesterday.”

Faramir looked up at Haldir with wide eyes and a look of utter disbelief. “I… you… but, Haldir… why?” Without another word, he buried his face against Haldir’s neck and hugged him tightly. He did not deserve all that he had – Haldir’s gift, his time, or, especially his friendship. The golden Elf stirred feelings within him that he did not understand, feelings that scared him and made him wonder how ‘normal’ people felt when they cared for one person, or in this case, one Elf, above all others. He was even beginning to wonder if this was love. Not because of all that Haldir had given him and allowed him to experience, but because the thought of spending a day without him made his heart ache and his soul feel empty. He had spent his entire life alone, for all intents and purposes, but now, after only a few weeks, he could scarcely bear to think of not seeing Haldir, of not sharing a joke, or a feeling, or sometimes, simply a smile.

Rather than putting Faramir back in his new chair, Haldir instead settled beneath the tree and let his hands roam over the trembling muscles of his back, soothing him as best he could. “I want you to be happy,” he whispered, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. “I want to see you smile.” He pulled away just enough to gently tip Faramir’s face up until their eyes met. “And right now, I want to kiss you, if you would allow it.”

Faramir gasped and closed his fingers on Haldir’s tunic. He had no idea what to say, or do, or even feel. And besides… why would Haldir want to kiss him anyway? He argued with the tiny, cruel voice inside him, one that sounded suspiciously like his father, one that warned him not to fall for this trick from the Elf he thought was his friend. But even if this is a trick… I will have at least gotten to kiss him… “I… I am not sure why you would want to, but… I would love for you to kiss me,” he murmured.

Haldir gently tucked a lock of hair behind Faramir’s ear and smiled. “Have you never been kissed?” he asked softly. The look on Faramir’s face was all the answer he needed. Leaning forward, he gently pressed his lips against the soft ones before him, letting his tongue lick at the seam, slowly and carefully coaxing Faramir to open his mouth. Long arms tightened around his neck, and Haldir could feel the warmth of a sigh lost in his mouth, but Faramir seemed to be unsure of what to do, or how to act in this most unexpected of situations.

Patiently, Haldir licked at Faramir’s tongue, then the insides of his cheeks, then at the corners of his mouth. He was holding on to the young man tightly, but ready to pull away if Faramir showed any signs of wanting to stop. Faramir, however, simply let his eyes drift closed and moved closer to Haldir, a soft whimper falling from his lips when the Elf finally pulled away to draw in air.

“You… you kissed me.” The words were said with such wonder, Haldir couldn’t help but smile.

“Aye,” he agreed. “And now I would like for you to kiss me back.”

Faramir’s mouth dropped open for a moment before his face flushed and he bit his bottom lip in embarrassment. “I would like that too.” He moved forward so slowly, Haldir thought their lips would never meet again, but finally, they were there, pressed together as softly as a warm summer breeze, tentative and trembling. Slowly, he let his hand work it’s way up Faramir’s back to gently tangle in copper colored hair, urging Faramir to get closer, to kiss him harder, to take what he wanted.

Faramir responded with a gasp that only Haldir could hear, but let his tongue slip inside the Elf’s mouth, amazed at the sweetness and warmth hidden behind those lips that had smiled at him so innocently for weeks now. So, this is a kiss… Gods, I could kiss him forever. I don’t even want to pull away long enough to breathe… And he didn’t. He was soon lightheaded from lack of air, but still intently exploring Haldir’s mouth, going back to the sweetest recesses he liked the best, licking at the warmth of his tongue, then moving to the wetness just at the inside of his bottom lip, along the ridge of his teeth, and back again.

Haldir was the one to pull away once again, smiling as Faramir’s lips tried to follow his even as the young man gasped for air. “Breathe, dear one,” he whispered as Faramir stared at him with wide eyes. “Breathe, and then kiss me again if you like. I’m not going anywhere.”

Panting for air, Faramir nodded, then resumed the kiss a heartbeat later, unwilling to let this, his first and (probably only) kiss end anytime soon.

As Haldir’s hands supported Faramir and held him close, Enrif and one of his aids watched from the window, shock written all over their faces. “I thought Elves were fair and noble creatures,” the old healer sighed. “Yet this one is willing to treat Faramir as if he were normal!”

“Disgusting it is,” the aid agreed. “Lord Denethor will not be pleased to hear of this!”

“I sent him a message only last week, telling him I needed to speak with him at once. I was going to inform him that that there was an Elf who seemed intent on befriending Faramir,” Enrif said, turning from the sight of the Man and Elf as they continued kissing. “Boromir sent a message back asking if he could help instead and telling me that his father would be gone for some weeks. Seems he is in Rohan, begging for horses… and Boromir actually asked if he could attend to whatever need I had! Can you imagine? If Boromir saw Faramir, he would surely let it slip that his brother is still alive, and the entire city of Minas Tirith would be shamed!”

“Gods, I hope you told him not to come, sire. Boromir is just the type of man who might want to help Faramir… when we all know there is nothing to be done for him.” The aid too, finally turned from the window and shuddered. “I never thought I would see the day when one such as Faramir would be kissed! What is this world coming to Enrif?”

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