Faramir Fiction Archive

Simulacra (NC-17)

09 November 2011 | 30013 words | Work in Progress

XXII

Elrond followed the curving path behind the cottage until it joined a small stream, tripping down from the hills above. In a patch of sunlit moss Haldir rested against a fallen log where they had led him, an otherworldly interloper in an idyllic scene. His bald head was jarring. Disturbing and unnaturally naked, like a plucked bird, exposing what should never be seen. Noiselessly Elrond lowered himself to the ground beside him.

For a few moments only the birds and trees sang, endlessly reminding them to be gentle, be at peace. Elrond cleared his throat.

‘Haldir, it is time we talk.’

The Sylvan showed no sign of having heard.

‘I know you can hear me Haldir. Do not forget I could see into your mind if I chose. Do you want me to do that, or would you prefer to meet me out here in the world?’

The slightest stir, like dust lifting in an unused room.

‘My apologies, hir nin. I meant no disrespect. I find I am –‘ his gravelly voice trailed off to a mumble. ‘My apologies.’

Elrond sighed deeply, brows furrowed. He stared off into the canopy as if searching for his next words. One dark eye twitched.

‘Perhaps it is I who should apologize to you, Haldir. I have caused you great pain these last few months, wresting your painkillers from you without providing an alternative. Tearing you from the reclusive womb you created for yourself, dragging you back into our world against your will. I know it has hurt.’

Haldir felt a ball of grief rising in his chest, pressing roundly inside his throat. He closed his eyes, swallowed hard to keep it down, not let it show. Not til this moment had he felt this new loss so keenly, so consciously. What had been an ache became a spear.

‘What’s more, I know you had good reasons for leaving, good reasons for doing what you did. And those hurts have gone unhealed. For that I am to blame. You were a child, then a young man. You should never have grown to majority without a full healing. And your elders should never have allowed you to carry this weight so far. We were fools to think you were coping well, allowed ourselves to be falsely reassured by your strength, your accomplishments, your reserve. I think we did not want to see it was a mask, consider our own impotence. We were beyond remiss in our duty to you.’

Do not make me responsible for your feelings old man.

Voice tight. So tired. ‘No apology is needed my lord. It is nothing.’

‘No Haldir, it is not ‘nothing.’ It is your life, your fea, and they are precious. We put them at risk, and I am truly, truly sorry for your suffering.’ Elrond’s voice began to break and he paused to collect himself. Took a shaky breath, swallowed before continuing.

Be at peace, whispered the leaves.

‘At each step we did what we thought was best, trusting in time to soothe what we could not. Thinking the slow accretion of better memories would dilute the past. But I have long doubted the wisdom of our course. I am assured there was a good reason for each action along the way, but I am not at ease with the price you have paid for whatever end. You…You did not deserve this.’

Flatly, ‘We all get what we deserve.’

More sharply than he intended, ‘Oh Haldir, I so wish that were true! If it were, your life would have been very different.’

Elrond saw Haldir flinch and tamped his anger as quickly as he had let it flare. Saw Haldir’s disbelief in the set of his jaw as he turned away.

He sat, looking at his hands as they rested in his lap. Wounded birds.

When at length he spoke, his voice was small. Not that of a warrior, but of someone much younger.

‘Are there sins so bad the Valar will never forgive them?’

Elrond gazed long at the elf before him, considering his answer.

‘The Valar take intention into consideration. Even among the Feanorians there were those who found redemption and were reborn.’

‘And those who were not.’

‘There are few things as grave as denouncing the Valar, kinslaying.’

‘But there are some.’

‘Yes, there are some.’

‘Rape, for instance.’

‘Yes. Rape is a grave sin, a slow and torturous form of kinslaying. For all our peace, I would hope a rapist would not be allowed in Valinor.’

‘I raped your son, Elrond.’

The elf lord exhaled loudly, his shoulders dropping visibly.

‘Is that what you believe Haldir? It is not true. Elrohir told me about that night. He was not sure you were even aware, so lost were you. Be assured, he consented. In fact, he told me he offered himself to you.’

‘ No. I hurt him.’

‘You may have been rough with him, but it is not the same thing. You were out of your mind with pain.’

Nostrils flaring, Haldir suddenly turned and met Elrond’s eyes with his own flashing fury.

‘How long, Elrond? How long will all my actions, what I am, be excused because of what happened to me? Does nothing I have ever done, nothing else I have learned or become matter compared to That? When will I be a full person, living my own life, accountable for my own sins? Or will I ever be less because of Them?’

The glade around them fell silent, perhaps stunned like Elrond at the destructiveness of understanding.

Carefully, ‘Again, it is my belief that the Valar look at intention, the actions of our hearts, not only of our bodies. And in that you are always accountable, yet they see all in the accounting.’

Still maintaining eye contact – the first of many long months – Haldir narrowed his eyes, becoming an unsettling vision of cruelty.

‘I intended to rape him, Elrond. I wanted to force him. Make him hurt.’

Stiffening sharply, the elder sat back, trying not to react. He is baiting me, trying to make me hate him. Keep me out.

A long moment. Waiting for renunciation. None came.

‘Why?’

Again the barely reigned fury, bristling. ‘So he would know how it feels…’

With an almost audible snap, Haldir yanked his glare from Elrond’s and turned away. His shoulders gave.

‘…So I wouldn’t be alone anymore.’

Elrond let his eyes fall shut to better to feel his own heart breaking.

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