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Simulacra (NC-17) Print

Written by Vanwa Hravani

09 November 2011 | 30013 words | Work in Progress

[ all pages ]

XIV

A.N.: Contains some rather heretical language. But at times ‘son of an orc’ doesn’t really convey the same force as ‘fucking asshole’ for today’s audience. Bear with me.
Italics indicate unspoken thoughts.

‘Please don’t call me beautiful. I don’t want to hear that.’ It’s too close. Get away.

‘But you are beautiful. Can’t you see it? Why can’t I tell you how much you matter to me? I want you to see what I see. I love you.’

Don’t touch me. Please get away. ‘Please don’t say that.’

‘I do love you.’

This again. I expected better of you. ‘I am not worthy of your love.’

That’s not just self-loathing I see in your eyes. It’s pity. You fuck. ‘Be honest, why don’t you? Why can’t I love you?’

Silence.

‘Say it.’

‘I’m not capable of love anymore. I’m too broken. I’m not worth it.’

‘No more lines.’

‘Find somebody better. You deserve to be happy and I can’t do that.’

‘Fuck you. You’re lying.’

‘Fine. I refuse to be responsible for you.’

‘More.’

‘I will NOT be trapped by you.

‘And?’

‘I can’t fucking do this! I will let you down. I will hurt you when I pull away. And I will pull away. It’s what I do. I can’t give you what you want. I – I don’t have anything to give. What you see is just an illusion. Just a shell that you’re looking at. There’s nothing behind it. Nothing in here that you’re going to break through to. No special gold in here that you can find and bring to light. —- And I resent you wanting it. Stop taking things from me! Stop expecting more! There’s a limit to what I will give, damn it. I won’t be controlled anymore! ‘Love’ is just another word for control. You want to own me. You want to keep me. I can’t stand any more of that. Being told how to act, how to speak, how to love. All I want is to be left alone. I want to keep me for a change. Stop being in my space, in my head, in my body. Get out! Get out of here!’

Reeling at your honesty. I understand. I could have said the same words myself, if I were brave enough. Instead I say low,-

‘You fucking asshole. Do you think I want to be this way? That I want to be stuck? That I don’t want my freedom too? Do you think you’re the only one who feels this way and can’t stand to have someone else invading his head, insinuating himself into his very soul? I’m so tired of feeling someone else inside me, in here with me. It’s too much like being invaded. —— Yes, I do know what that feels like. Don’t look at me that way. You don’t own pain. You thought you were the only one? Wake up sunshine. You’re not alone. You’re not the most damaged person on Arda. You’re not even that original. Everyone hurts. Everyone has a past. So stop your fucking wallowing and grow up.’

Silence.

What more could possibly be said? It’s over.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Forget it.’

‘No…’

‘I need to go.’

‘Fine.’

The door closes.

His fist slams the wall. Dammit! What have I done?

As breaths still and sweat cools to a clammy chill, both are relieved. Emptiness is familiar and so much easier.

NB: Please do not distribute (by any means, including email) or repost this story (including translations) without the author's prior permission. [ more ]

Enjoyed this story? Then be sure to let the author know by posting a comment at https://www.faramirfiction.com/fiction/simulacra. Positive feedback is what keeps authors writing more stories!


38 Comment(s)

I am looking forward to reading more of this – I adore all of the undercurrents in their relationship.

— pinbot    Wednesday 6 August 2008, 20:25    #

Oooooooooooo! Angsty!! Very nicely done. Am hoping to see more of this and how it’ll pan out. Thanks for sharing.

— enkemeniel    Tuesday 12 August 2008, 3:09    #

I am addicted to this series and the complexity of the relationship here. I do a happy dance every time I see that you’ve updated. thanks!

— pinbot    Friday 15 August 2008, 2:58    #

Thanks for the happy feedback. Sorry to have left this so long – I’ve been traveling. So very nice to come home to comments. I’ll get typing soon.

VH

— Vanwa Hravani    Tuesday 18 November 2008, 15:10    #

This is rockin’ my world! So many intense, complex emotions. Can’t wait for more!

— pinbot72    Friday 12 December 2008, 6:31    #

Oh so glad! Hearing that makes all the writing worthwhile. More to come!

— Vanwa Hravani    Friday 12 December 2008, 14:49    #

Woah i love it! When i started to read, well…i just couldn’t stop:) Can’t wait for another chapter gives hugs and a cookie:3

— Shiro    Saturday 13 December 2008, 1:36    #

I cannot believe I haven’t commented on this story yet. It’s a pairing I don’t care for but the story is compelling with the mixed sense of time and some truly incredible bits of writing.

Um, squee?

— Bell Witch    Sunday 14 December 2008, 6:50    #

Sigh. Thank you. I am an absolute whore for feedback, especially from other writers I admire. Say you love me and I’ll write another chapter. Please? Two? (Realistically, I have to anyway. The boys wouldn’t let me sleep last night cause they wanted my attention. Made for some kinky dreams…)

VH

— Vanwa Hravani    Monday 15 December 2008, 19:04    #

Heartbreaking. This goes way beyond angst as we know it… I’m not sure I can bear what may happen after Chapter 19.

— ebbingnight    Thursday 8 January 2009, 5:26    #

Ebbingnight, Letting out big breath. I was really scared to post this one. But I couldn’t sit with it alone anymore. To know someone actually is out there reading it and has taken it the way it felt makes it lighter. Part of me (and Haldir) was afraid no one would care, would think he was too upset over too little. Don’t be afraid to keep reading though. It will get better, I promise. We know it’s not the end for him, right? Thanks for letting me know you’re reading. It means a lot.

— Vanwa Hravani    Thursday 8 January 2009, 12:13    #

With Elrond’s remorse here (for failure to realize how badly the elfing Haldir needed healing so long ago), we’re beginning to understand this “blend that cannot be separated.” Far from “getting better” yet, but absolutely riveting now!

— ebbingnight    Friday 16 January 2009, 2:21    #

To use your earlier word, I find the most ‘heartbreaking’ part to be Elrond’s inability to fix this. We all want to believe he can always fix it, don’t we? But in his own way, Haldir is every bit as strong and complex as Elrond – he has to be to have lived through this. A monumental amount of his energy and determination would be directed at keeping things together. Which means that trying to heal him after the fact would be far harder than working with a weaker person would be. Elrond recognizes now that by shaping Haldir into the consummate strong warrior he is (to help him survive),he and Galadriel actually made him virtually unheal-able. Since they weren’t able to heal his spirit and mind before, they added centuries of armor over its flaws. How can they now do anything to help? It is because Haldir is so strong and so able that he is condemned to this pain. The weak can die or be healed; survivors live with suffering. Now that’s heartbreaking.

Okay, so maybe I lied about it getting better…

— Vanwa Hravani    Friday 16 January 2009, 19:58    #

Oh, the risks being taken here…. but if I flinch and look away, I won’t be able to see what might come next!

— ebbingnight    Saturday 24 January 2009, 3:50    #

Ebbingnight,

In truth, I’m not sure I can go on either. I know what has to happen. I know many of the later scenes, but taking the steps to get there is too hard. I don’t want to watch either. Can I just skip to what comes after?

— Vanwa Hravani    Saturday 24 January 2009, 16:20    #

Vanwa,

Included in the “risks” I mentioned above are the ones you’ve been taking all along as a writer in getting us to walk with you through this darkness: please, please don’t lose your nerve now!

— ebbingnight    Saturday 24 January 2009, 16:30    #

You do know how to win me over, don’t you? I think you and I are alone in this one at the moment, so what comes next is officially for you. But I may have to take baby steps. And if the hole I’m digging gets too deep or too banal, let me know?

I think I’m going to need therapy after this epic is over.

— Vanwa Hravani    Saturday 24 January 2009, 18:36    #

Fascinating how we can see the different shades of darkness here as our eyes grow more accustomed to your world. Lovely, lovely writing about the allure of oblivion wrapped up in a quilt of memories….

— ebbingnight    Tuesday 3 February 2009, 16:00    #

E –

That was for you. Your comment is so beautifully worded it brought a tear to my eye even while I’m smiling. I love what you see in my story. I think perhaps it’s more poetic than anything I actually write. Thank you.

— Vanwa Hravani    Tuesday 3 February 2009, 16:14    #

I am enjoying this very much. This is so awesome the way you weave this story. It took me a few chapters to get on to the flow of the story but I couldnt stop reading. This latest edition is very sad. Poor Faramir. I am so hoping for some happiness for him in the end. And for Haldir too. I like them both. I must admit the Faramir/Haldir pairing is always my first choice for stories. Well done. Thank you for sharing this with us.

— Kelly    Tuesday 3 February 2009, 16:37    #

Thank you Kelly. I feel like I’m peeling an onion here with these characters. When I started, I had a general plan, but I’ve been trying to just be quiet and let their own psychology take the lead. The bits become apparent as they come up, and I feel like I’m exploring and watching as much as I’m writing.

I have been trying to figure out why there is so much dialogue between other characters, which is odd for me. Now I see that these two both live so entirely within their own subjective universes that they share limited points of contact with others: hands, eyes, masked words. So the prolonged honest conversations of more integrated characters become more apparent. It becomes about trying to balance withdrawal and enmeshment at fragile points of contact. I never had any of that in mind.

And yes, I so would like to see some happiness for them both. No promises, but I’ll encourage them.

— Vanwa Hravani    Tuesday 3 February 2009, 18:15    #

I think that this is why these two are my favorites. They are more complex characters. They have this way of being able to shield their true feelings from others. You always wonder what is really going on there. Elves especially I think are harder to figure out. And Faramir, in my oh so humble opinion, is so very elven in nature. I know in the grand scheme of the books and definitely the movies these were minor characters but for me they are the best. I have been so attracted to both of them from the first, Faramir especially.

I forgot to mention before I am extremely fond of the chapter dealing with Haldir helping Faramir with training his rangers. That was wonderful.

— Kelly    Tuesday 3 February 2009, 19:51    #

Ah such tortured souls! I like it! Give me more!

— Kelly    Monday 23 February 2009, 20:47    #

It never even occurred to me to wonder what it might be like outside the Halls of Mandos before reading this. How desolate Haldir must be: but at least he can still hear the voices calling him back from the shoreline of despair. Faramir… doesn’t?

— ebbingnight    Wednesday 25 February 2009, 2:17    #

This is a very interesting point. I wonder if both of them can hear the voices but don’t want to listen because each of them feels they don’t deserve to be saved? Maybe? I guess we’ll have to wait and find out. I cant wait for more. I am so in to this story.

— Kelly    Wednesday 25 February 2009, 16:49    #

Hmmm…Good question. At the risk of spoiling anything, I’ll suggest that Faramir isn’t actually alive in the waking world yet. But once he is, who is there to call to him? We know Aragorn got him out of the actual Halls after the fire, but perhaps a part of him had already taken up residence somewhere in the grey when he was younger. It is safe there. Desolate, yes, but beyond pain. Then again, I think Faramir wants to be called back; at this point, Haldir doesn’t.

PS I promise they’ll have some good sex soon. Keep reading. I won’t leave them here forever.

— Vanwa Hravani    Wednesday 25 February 2009, 16:59    #

Oh this is exciting. You’ve given me just enough to make me even more excited for more. This is fabulous!

— Kelly    Wednesday 25 February 2009, 17:34    #

Stop tempting me! I’m supposed to be working right now!

Sigh. Okay, I’ll just add that I’m thinking about the relationship between hope and trust . One can stand on its own; the other cannot.
As for deserving to be saved, I’m afraid he’s past that. That posits more connection to self-worth than is going on here. Haldir can’t even say ‘I’ anymore, although they’re working him towards ‘(me)’. Right now he’s beyond considering himself as an acting subject, even beyond object. ‘I don’t deserve saving’ would be recognizing himself as a subject. ‘They shouldn’t be saddled with me’ would be himself as an object. He’s past that to ‘not worth it. hurts.’ To go intentionally back into pain would require either trust that things will be better, hope that things can be better, or complete surrender to pain/not pain being beyond control or mattering. But at that point, how do you compel someone who has nothing left to lose?

Okay, now I must get back to work. More later. Promise!

— Vanwa Hravani    Wednesday 25 February 2009, 18:37    #

Sorry I’ve been gone so long. I wrote myself into a corner and can’t figure the way out. But I’m working on it. If anyone is still out there, give me a couple weeks and I should have something for you. (I think I promised you sex…)

— Vanwa Hravani    Tuesday 5 May 2009, 16:06    #

Oh I’m excited I get to get back into this story again. I have missed it. Looking forward to it.

— Kelly    Tuesday 5 May 2009, 16:17    #

Time is of the essence in your world, but not in the usual sense, so I have endless patience (and hopes) for seeing you round that corner with this fic! But, yes, you’re far from forgotten here….

— ebbingnight    Tuesday 5 May 2009, 18:38    #

I love this story.
I am so sorry that I haven’t let you know this before. You are such a marvelous writer.
Currently I am in the hospital and the only thing I can do is to sit by the internet. Until now I have been forced to use the hospitals computers. You can´t read stories like these on those, can you :)
But now a good friend of mine brought my own. Thank God!! I have missed all of this. This story was the first one I red. I have red it many times but never commented it. For that I am truly sorry.
Love it and thank you for bringing me such joy

— Fëawen    Monday 8 February 2010, 19:28    #

Fëawen,

Your message made my day. Thank you for the compliments and for enjoying. I’m sorry you’re stuck in hospital, but I’m glad to help make the time more bearable. I know how boring it can be, especially without something good to read. Now that you’re on your own private computer, maybe I need to post a really steamy chapter for your pleasure…

Say, I have been wanting to finish this story forever, yet have been stuck and losing motivation. I know where it’s going, but I’m having trouble making myself go there. If you’re still convalescing, what do you say to brainstorming/motivating with me? Give you something to do, get me writing on this again. Let me know if you’re game. (And if anyone else is reading this and wants to chat too, chime in!)

Above all else, healthy recovery.

VH

— Vanwa Hravani    Wednesday 17 February 2010, 0:58    #

Oh I would love to get back into this story again. I know where I hope the story is going. However, I’m so desperate to throw these two together I would not make it much of a story I’m afraid. Something steamy would be much appreciated. Maybe a certain King needs to place himself more in the middle of these two and push them towards each other a few too many times for them to ignore the burning attaction/affection they have for one another. Maybe? Anyway you do it I’m more than happy to be along for the ride.

Feawen sorry you are stuck in the hospital. Bummer! If you need something to do however there are a lot of great stories here to help you along. Speedy recovery to you.

— Kelly    Wednesday 17 February 2010, 21:12    #

Oh Thank you both so much! (send you two a big hug)
I can hardly wait for a new chap (rubbing my hands and grin) I would be thrilled to be involved, it would be a fantastic honor. I guess i am going to be stuck here for a good time since they have no idea why I am sick or what it is that’s causing it

You are so right, Kelly. I am so impressed by the authors on this site. You are all amazing.

— Fëawen    Wednesday 17 February 2010, 21:32    #

I have been trying to get in touch with you. I wrote a swap story for you called Waiting on the Moon. I’m in the process of reworking it and would love to hear from you and find out if there is something else you would like me to add that I didn’t have in there the last time. When you reply put “Moon” in the subject line so I will know it’s from you. Do you have a lj?
Lucky

— Lucky aka Getty    Sunday 25 March 2012, 15:29    #

Hi

Don’t know if you’re still writing this but I wanted to let you know much I am enjoying it. LOVE Faramir fiction but Haldir/Faramir ones are my favourite (normally because they’re the longest due to full stories having to be described) You write beautifully and this is a very interesting story with dimensions I haven’t read before. Many of the stories deal with abuse but you handle it sensitively and with great tact. I hope you are still writing this and manage to finish it. It may be too much to ask for a happy ending, but a healing ending perhaps??

Keep up the good work and I will probably now read anything you’ve written!

B x

— Insertnamehere    Sunday 23 September 2012, 21:10    #

Wonderful and exciting, hope you finish it soon,would love to see it finished…

— Blondie    Wednesday 5 February 2014, 21:17    #

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