Faramir Fiction Archive

Simulacra (NC-17)

Written by Vanwa Hravani

09 November 2011 | 30013 words | Work in Progress

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‘Ada…’

‘Yes my son?’

‘What about his hair? Did the drug do that? And his skin? Ada, Haldir looks like an old man – no longer like an elf at all!’

Elrond sighed deeply. He too felt the desperation that saturated his son’s voice.

‘I know Elrohir, I know. The drug alone didn’t cause this, but it is related. No, Haldir is in the advanced stages of fading. He has given up the will to live. He has lost his light almost completely. I do not know if the drug caused this.

‘Perhaps instead he was already fading and turned to the drug to dull the pain. Or because of his turmoil, the drug no longer mattered. It is also possible that he sought out the destruction he knew this tincture would bring. I cannot say.’

Ro stared at his father, allowing his words to sink in, waiting for the apparent meaning to be disproved, taken back. When no further comment came, he spoke, still disbelieving.

‘Father…’ he began in a shocked undertone, ‘do you mean to say that Haldir was trying to kill himself? That would make him… a kinslayer…’

Elrond was quiet a long moment, his face set in grim lines. ‘Do not judge him too harshly my child. We have no idea what he has been through.’

‘But Ada, this is Haldir we are speaking of – not some unknown elf from afar! What could we not know? He is our friend!’ The silence stretched heavy for a moment before Elrohir spoke again in a whisper. ‘Is he mad?’

Elrond gazed at his son sadly and wondered how much he should say. Haldir was now their patient after all. But to Ro he was still a friend first, so Elrond held his silence.

Instead he said, ‘I know of few cases in which an elf this far faded has recovered his light. Let us just pray we can give Haldir a reason to live again. And please, remember the vow you and Elladan took before joining me on this task. Utmost discretion is needed – more so because Haldir is your friend, and there will be more opportunities to slip and reveal something you as a healer should keep silent.

‘With Haldir also, you must be a healer when he needs a healer, friend only when he is ready for a friend. My guess is at first he will feel unworthy of friendship, and reject it because he rejects himself. Take care you do not take it personally and grow angry. It is not you he turns away from, but himself. Out of respect for you he will try not to burden you with his pain or his needs. It is a compliment – if a misplaced one.’

Elrohir swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. He would try.

Elrohir looked up as his brother came into the glade. He glanced quickly at Haldir to see that he was still sitting quietly, staring at his hands, and had not stirred. Elrohir stood and walked toward Elladan.

‘What news?’

‘Father has asked that we go ahead and bathe Haldir in the pool. We will camp here tonight and then move on toward Rivendell. But there’s no sense in our traveling on with a man-smelling elf. Who knows? The water might refresh him some, help him come back.’

‘It’s almost time for his next dose of kaihf. Let’s wait until after that. He’ll be easier to handle. And I think he’ll be more comfortable if we give it to him first. He’s already starting to stir and moan.’

‘Elrohir! Listen to yourself! Don’t you want to get Haldir off this stuff? The longer we wait between doses, the sooner he’ll be free. Besides, the water may revive him a little. He might enjoy feeling it for a change.’

With a sigh, Elrohir reluctantly gave in to his older brother and turned to approach Haldir. He knew Haldir was no longer in conscious control of his own sharp reflexes, and even in his reduced state could be unpredictable. Moreover, he did not want to create a situation in which he would have to subdue his old friend by force, for fear of hurting him further.

Slowly the young Peredhel approached and quietly told Haldir it was time to bathe. Grasping the crouching elf by the elbow, he tugged him to his feet and led him toward the sun-warmed pool. Haldir could have been sleepwalking for all the response he gave.

But as the twins began to remove his clothing, the gray elf began to cackle. The sinister sound began low in his throat and rose until it spilled out with a darkly lascivious sneer.

‘So now we get down to business, I see. Men, elves – it’s all the same. Have to pay the toll.’ The hollow voice caught, twisting into a choked sob, before Haldir’s ravaged face went blank again.

The twins exchanged grim looks over the bowed gray head, and Elrohir began speaking soothingly into his ear, trying to keep his own voice even.

‘No Haldir, we are just going to help you bathe. Unless you’d prefer to do it yourself. I fear it’s been some time since you had a proper bath with elven oils. The soap of men can be harsh for our fair skin. Wouldn’t you like to use some of our own? To smell like the woods again? Maybe comb out your hair and let us braid it for you?’

Haldir snorted, quiet and bitter. ‘Braids… I no longer have the right to wear braids. I am no warrior. And what house would claim me? Best to cut it off. I am a disgrace.’

Elladan stepped forward now, grasping his old friend’s shoulder, his voice soft yet fiercely intense. ‘You are Haldir of the House of Celeborn, Marchwarden of Lórien, brother to Rúmil and Orophin and friend to us all. You are no disgrace.’

In response Haldir turned his face away, but not before they saw the shine of tears on his cheeks. He finally stirred to remove the rest of his clothing and allowed Elladan to lead him toward the pool.

Elrohir gathered up the filthy man’s garments with the intention of burning them. Haldir could wear some of their robes for now, although they would hang loosely on his diminished frame. Perhaps –

‘Aaaaaaaaaah!’

The agonized scream from the pool snapped Ro’s head up and brought Elrond crashing into the glade. Haldir crouched at the bank of the pool, his arms wrapped around his legs and head down, rocking and keening. He was wet. Elladan stood beside him, open-mouthed and helpless.

‘What have you done?’ demanded Elrond sharply, striding toward Haldir, yet stopping short of touching him. ‘What happened?’

‘Ada, nothing. That is… I don’t know. We were going to bathe him, and everything seemed fine. He was talking and agreed – and then he touched the water and began screaming and pulled away from me and fell… I… I don’t know why.’ he finished in a small voice.

Elrond looked keenly at his elder son’s distraught face and sighed. ‘How long has it been since his last does of kaihf?’

Elrohir stepped forward and bowed his head. ‘We were going to give it to him after his bath. It is time now.’

‘Go and fetch it then. Bring it to him.’

‘Yes Ada.’

Elrohir returned to where he had been sitting earlier and retrieved the flask of kaihf. He reached for the strengthening mead with which to mix it, but stayed his hand. In his present state, Haldir might like to taste the kaihf he was receiving. Elrohir reached instead for a plain spirit and added the tincture. The liquid instantly turned a tarry deep brown. Ro’s stomach heaved as he gazed at it. Such power and danger in this cup. He hurriedly brought it back to Haldir.

Crouching low and murmuring, the younger twin put a hand first on Haldir’s shaking shoulder as he would to quiet a frightened horse. ‘I have brought you kaihf, Haldir. Here it is. Are you ready?’

Ro placed the cup in Haldir’s hands and continued to hold it as he guided it to dry lips – although in truth, Haldir could have performed this gesture in his sleep. However he was shaking so hard Elrohir feared he would spill it all.

As the liquor touched his lips, Haldir began to relax, knowing what was coming. Rather than sip it slowly as was usual, he took the cup in one long desperate draught, as if afraid to let it leave his lips before finishing. When he had drained it all, he allowed Ro to take it from him and set it aside. He closed his eyes and exhaled as if exhausted.

Ro watched in fascinated horror as even the muscles of his patient’s scalp went slack and his head began to loll sideways. From the fluttering beneath Haldir’s eyelids, he could tell his eyes had turned upward and in, no longer seeing.

Finally Elrond broke the silence.

‘Now you have both seen what happens to the senses once they have become accustomed to not feeling. Someone too long given painkillers will become unfamiliar with any sensation – be it pain, pleasure or otherwise. Any feeling, no matter how normal and inconsequential, becomes interpreted as unbearable pain and overwhelms the patient. Without his usual dose of kaihf, a kiss upon Haldir’s cheek might feel like a blow. The pleasurable sensation of cool water enveloping his naked skin became instead akin to searing torture. To be immune, to survive daily life without agony, he must have sufficient kaihf in his body.’

The twins listened to their father in silence. Then Elladan spoke.

‘Ada, if Haldir is unable to feel anything, do you really mean he can feel no pleasure either? No joy, no love… no matter how strong?’

‘Indeed. With kaihf in him, he is shut off from all contact. But without his drug, such feelings as ecstasy or even love would seem both terrifying and excruciating. And knowing this, he would avoid sensations at all costs, just as we would avoid unnecessary pain.’

Ro spoke quietly, ‘Does that also mean Haldir can withstand what we would normally avoid, and without fear? Would he have any sense of what not to do?’

‘Whether he feels fear, I cannot say. But enough to refuse? No. He would be able to endure all manner of pain and humiliation without flinching. And I fear he has… He has.’

Elrond lapsed again in to brooding silence; his sons waited, watching their elder’s unreadable face intently. The healer’s next words came out a mere murmur.

‘Beyond a certain point, I doubt he could even tell the difference.’

‘And the kaihf could dull pain of the mind as well as the body? And of the heart?’

Elrond was quiet again for a moment, considering his younger son.

‘Yes, my son. And here I think you have hit on Haldir’s reason for choosing his present fate. Unless he suffered some unknown injury of which we are yet unaware, I believe Haldir sought in this cup relief from an old injury. One suffered in his adolescence, which could have driven an adult elf mad or to fading.

‘At that time he endured for his brothers’ sakes, but as the years went on and he became aware of how greatly he had been injured and how he still suffered, the wound proved too much. But ever the warrior, he departed from his kind to meet this fate alone, rather than subject any other to his misery.’

‘But Ada,’ Elladan began softly, ‘what was this injury he suffers from? I know of no such one. He has ever been strong and stout and among the best of us all in battle.’

Although it was Elladan who spoke, Elrond turned his face to his younger son as he answered.

‘That, my son, I will wait until Haldir tells you himself. It is his pain, and he alone must choose when it is to be revealed and — gods willing — healed.’

Elrohir held his father’s eyes long before bowing his dark head.

‘I understand, sir. As you say.’

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