Faramir Fiction Archive

Only if… (NC-17)

Written by Sairalinde and Anorienbean

29 June 2007 | 85653 words

Chapter 14

As Faramir walked his brother’s words rang in his ears. ‘I thought you knew… I thought Haldir had told you… I’m sorry.’ He sighed heavily as he rounded the last corner and pushed open the door to their room. Haldir was standing at the bookshelf, putting away a book when he entered and he simply gazed at him.

He wasn’t angry, not precisely anyway. He was… pained to know that Haldir defended him against what his father always said about him. Faramir simply didn’t see himself as worth the pain Haldir had endured and to be the one to have had to punish him, Gods… what a mess.

He stared for a moment as Haldir looked at him across the room. The words were out before he could stop himself. “Why did you not tell me why you were punished that day?” He’d always assumed his father had insulted Elves… not him.

Haldir’s smile froze on his face as he let his hand drop from the bookshelf. “Why does it matter now?” he asked, having held on to the hope that Faramir would never know what his father had said about him that day. “It was weeks ago, and not worth thinking about.” He moved closer, hoping to distract his lover. “Besides, we have dinner plans, do we not? I had something special sent up for tonight…”

Faramir shook his head as Haldir asked why it matters. “It matters to me that you allowed me to be the one who punished you when it was me that you were defending. Gods, I… why did you even attempt to defend me to him? He’s always been that way, always insulted me, I’ve endured it my whole life, Haldir,” his words weren’t spoken angrily just honest amazement was evident in his voice. No one stood up for him, except Boromir, and even he couldn’t get through to their father. Faramir always had to be better than anyone else, at everything he did, yet it was never good enough for his father it seemed. He swallowed hard, and wrapped his arms around Haldir pulling him close. “I just hate that I was the reason you were punished.”

Wrapping his arms around Faramir’s waist and resting his head on a broad shoulder, Haldir sighed and closed his eyes. “I am sorry, but I could not bear to hear him speak of you in such a manner,” he said firmly. “I have avoided him as much as I can, but… I do not regret what I said to him that day, and I would do it all over again if he were to say it now. You deserve respect, Faramir, and I can not… I will not stand by and let him insult you.”

“Haldir, Gods, it pleases me more than you know that you feel so… strongly but you must not speak to him that way again. Please. As a slave… Gods, he could have ordered worse punishment and may do so in the future if you don’t hold your tongue. I love that about you, I love your willfulness but you cannot do that with him. And especially not for my sake. Gods… I thought you were defending Elves or yourself, not me,” he whispered ardently. Shaking his head, Faramir frowned. “I’m not worth the pain you went through, Haldir.”

Haldir cupped Faramir’s face between both hands, and stared at him solemnly. “Yes you are.” Slowly, he let his thumbs move over his lover’s face, then down to seal his lips closed when he started to argue. “I am sorry, Faramir, but I cannot promise to stay silent if he says such hurtful things about you again. It is simply not within me to just walk away from such blatant lies about a man I respect and care for. It was well worth the beating just to make him stop saying such things… and, again, I do not regret that it happened. I regret only that it caused you pain to punish me.”

Faramir started to protest but before he could he was kissed so gently and so freely that it stole his breath away. “I hated him for it, hated this city, hated everyone for having to punish you that day. I never wanted to hurt you, Haldir. Never. It broke my heart to see those marks on you, marks I put there,” he whispered. He pulled Haldir with him to sit down in a chair, his beautiful lover cradled on his lap against him. “I care a great deal more for you than a master probably should his slave, and it hurt me more seeing you bleeding than his words would ever hurt me.”

Kissing the curve of his master’s neck, Haldir combed his fingers through soft hair and wished with all his heart that things could be different. He couldn’t bear the thoughts of being a slave for the next century, but if they went to Lothlórien together, they would end up switching places, with Faramir as the slave… a slave subjected to the same punishment as Haldir had received. “You did not hurt me nearly as much as your father’s words,” he promised. “I would never hurt you, Faramir, so I have tried my best to stay here, in your rooms, away from your father. I wish… Gods, Faramir, I wish things were different. I wish…” His voice trailed off, as his arms curled around his lover’s neck. “It does not matter… but for your sake, I will continue to try and avoid him. If he seeks me out, however, and goads me into saying something, then I will simply ask him if he is not man enough to punish me himself, so you will not have to do it again. Would that help at all?”

Pulling Haldir closer, Faramir shook his head. “I wish things were different but no, I don’t want him to do it. He’ll take too much pleasure in it and he will purposefully try to hurt you more than I would. As much as I hate the idea, it would probably be better if I did do it. Though I hope to keep you away from him as much as I can. He likes to put me in my place, and I think he used you to do that,” he said softly.

Haldir knew that he should promise to keep his thoughts to himself whenever Denethor spoke, but Gods, to say such things about his own son… Haldir just didn’t think he could do it. “We will each do what we have to do, then,” he whispered, not moving from his lover’s arms. “Besides… this just gives you all the more reason to keep me occupied here in your rooms, my Lord. I only have seven more weeks, and I think we can think of more than enough ways to pass the time until they are over.” The words seemed to stick in his throat. Only seven more weeks? Gods, where had the time gone? And how could he go back to a life without Faramir? It wasn’t as if he had a choice though, that much was certain.

Faramir swallowed hard when Haldir spoke of only seven weeks left. “It does give me more reason to keep you occupied here… do you think anyone would miss me if I just secluded myself here with you for the next several weeks?” he teased trying not to think of how lonely he would be once Haldir left.

“I think everyone would miss you,” Haldir whispered as he nibbled on Faramir’s ear, doing his best to dispel the sudden sense of hopelessness that seemed to overwhelm them both. “But I think you deserve a vacation too, and everyone who mattered would understand if you took a little time off.”

Faramir laughed softly. “Then I think that is exactly what I will do, because I’d much rather spend every moment I can with you before you leave,” he whispered, tipping his head slightly to allow Haldir more access. “Perhaps start right now in fact,” he murmured as his hands pulled Haldir even closer, letting them roam all over his lover’s body. “And I think I might just have to order that you not wear a single stitch of clothing until the day you leave,” he teased as he stood up cradling Haldir against him and carried him toward the bed.

Already, Haldir was unlacing Faramir’s tunic as the moved across the room. It never failed to amaze him how eagerly and completely his body responded to his lover’s touch. “Not a single stitch?” he murmured between kisses to the warmth of Faramir’s neck. “But will I not get cold, my Lord?”

Faramir grinned as he set Haldir on the edge of the bed and shrugged out of his tunic. “Oh no, because you’ll be wearing me,” he teased as he pushed Haldir back onto the bed and covered his body with his own.

Haldir was counting the days until his release, but not with the joy he would have expected one year ago, when Faramir offered him his freedom after a year of service. Instead, the day seemed to loom gloomily ahead, steadily drawing closer, the time flying by all too quickly. Often Man and Elf would find themselves fighting off sleep so they could talk, or make love, or simply touch each other long into the night as the day of his freedom came closer and closer.

As much as he wanted to, (and, in all honesty, he did want to), Haldir had too much pride to willingly remain a slave in Gondor, especially when his freedom was there before him, waiting, given with no strings attached. One of the servants had brought him a note from his brothers, saying they would wait for him just outside of the city on the day of his release, at a neutral clearing at the edge of the woods. They couldn’t wait to see him again, and escort him home; his family and friends missed him, had a celebration planned for the day of his return to their Golden Wood at last.

As the sun began to stream through their window on the last morning of his time in Gondor, Haldir found himself resting against his lover, listening to the regular, soothing beat of his heart, his fingers idly moving over his favorite parts of Faramir’s body – his hips, his stomach, his neck. They’d made love long into the night, and were both too spent to even think of it again, yet neither could gather the strength to pull away and dress, or pull the blankets up to cover themselves. Instead, they lay there, completely naked and exposed to one another, as if offering their lover one last chance to memorize every part of them. They would never see one another again after this day, so it was little to ask, but it meant everything to both of them, though the words were unspoken.

Neither Haldir or Faramir had talked about this day, and how difficult it would be. They had no choice – Faramir had given his word, and Haldir would be a fool not to take the freedom that was offered him.

It was midmorning before either of them spoke. “I guess… I should be leaving soon,” Haldir said softly, though he couldn’t bring himself to move. “Orophin and Rúmil are waiting at the west end of the city.”

They had both fallen silent the last several hours, only holding and touching one another. Faramir, for his part, was afraid if he spoke that the words that spilled from his lips would be begging Haldir to stay. Telling him how much he loved him. He couldn’t do that of course, so he remained silent. When Haldir spoke first he nodded slowly. “You shouldn’t keep them waiting, they will be happy to have you home again,” he whispered trying not to sound as sad as he felt though he knew Haldir could see it in his eyes.

Haldir sighed and nodded, still not pulling away from his master. “Aye. They have a celebration planned for my return.” His voice was soft, and lacked any hint of the happiness he thought he should be feeling at the prospect of returning to his Golden Wood. “I do not like parties, really,” he continued. “The last one, when that arse of a noble man was flirting with you was the last party I ever planned on attending.”

Despite his sadness, Faramir’s lips twitched at Haldir’s description of Turin and he shook his head. He started to say that Haldir wouldn’t have to worry about who flirted with him anymore but refrained from it. “You’ll enjoy yourself despite that. Many have missed you, I’m sure,” he whispered. I know I will. Every single moment for the rest of my life I will. “I don’t want your brothers to blame me for keeping them waiting.” With that Faramir sat up, reluctantly letting his arms fall away from Haldir and he swallowed hard. This was the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life, he realized. He slipped on his robe and walked to the chest where the agreement was kept.

“They won’t blame you,” Haldir said softly, though he sat up as well, and watched as his lover crossed the room. As he dressed, he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off Faramir. “You know, many of the slaves were promised their freedom, but when the time came for their release, I am told their masters changed their minds, and tore up the contracts.” He knew Faramir wouldn’t do that, but if he did, Haldir wouldn’t argue. His freedom was a courtesy not afforded to many slaves after all, not a right. “Why, even Menderal was promised his freedom, yet when the time came, Imrahil asked him for another year, then another… did you know that? Menderal felt it was his duty to stay as long as his master asked him to…” His voice trailed off as Faramir pulled the agreement from the chest and made no move to rip it to shreds. “But, no, you are too honorable for that, I know.” He almost sighed as he finally tugged on his boots and moved closer to Faramir. “I will miss you, Faramir. I hope you know that.”

“I am no longer your duty, Haldir,” Faramir said softly, knowing he could ask, knowing he could rip up the agreement, but he’d promised. He reached into the chest again and withdrew a copy he’d had drawn up over the last months for Haldir to keep should he ever be captured again and a small box. It contained a small pendant that Haldir had eyed that first day at the marketplace and he’d kept all these months for him. “I will miss you… a great deal,” he said feeling tears gather in his eyes and blinking them away. “But at least I will know that you will be free, and no one else as long as I live can take you prisoner,” he whispered and with trembling hands, held out the small box. “I don’t want to be presumptuous and think you want to remember your time here… but I can hope you will want to remember me.”

Stunned into silence for a moment, Haldir had to blink away his own tears as he reached for the box in Faramir’s hand. Their fingers brushed together for a moment, and the simple contact made Haldir want to simply pull Faramir against him and promise to never, ever forget him. No. You were not put here on Arda to be a slave… not even to him. You must go home. Pulling his hands away, he opened the box and felt his heart break at what was inside… a small, thin silver canvas with the delicate etching of star with a blue stone set in the middle. The stone was not one Haldir had ever seen before, but he remembered being mesmerized by it on that day, thinking that it was exactly the same shade as Faramir’s eyes – a clear blue like he’d never seen before his gaze had met his new master’s. He remembered reaching out and running his fingers over the pendant, wondering how someone had managed to capture such a startling, perfect shade of blue in such a beautiful stone, and figured that whoever had created it – man, Elf, or Valar, they must have looked into Faramir’s eyes one day and found their inspiration. “It is beautiful,” he whispered as he sat the box down and lifted the chain and pendant from its box. He couldn’t seem to make his hands stop shaking. “Will you put it on for me?” He lifted his hair and turned around, grateful for the opportunity to look away from his master, for surely he would see how his eyes now shown brightly with tears. He could say they were tears of happiness for going home, but that would be a lie… and he’d never lied to Faramir. He certainly wasn’t going to start today.

“Of course,” Faramir whispered the words almost catching in his throat. He reached around his former slave with hands he couldn’t stop from trembling and fastened the chain. Leaning forward he kissed the tender skin of Haldir’s neck gently. “I will never forget you, Haldir. And my greatest hope is that one day our paths may cross again.” He had the most overwhelming urge to simply walk away from his life in Gondor and go with Haldir, even if it were as his slave. If he knew his love was returned he would, but as close as they’d been, as caring as Haldir had been, he never knew for certain the Elf loved him. Even then he was tempted to offer, he could love Haldir enough for both of them he thought for a moment before drawing away again. “You… shouldn’t stay here any longer, I’m in danger of changing my mind,” he tried to grin but it didn’t reach his eyes.

Haldir had to suppress a shiver as Faramir kissed him so gently, and quickly let his hair cascade back over his shoulders. He reached up to touch the pendant as he turned, and tried to smile at his lover one last time. “We… we would not want you to do that, now would we?” he said softly. “Thank you for everything, Faramir. I wish…” He stopped, looked down, and took Faramir’s hands in his own. “I wish so many things for you… good things – happiness, and love, and all the joy that Arda has to offer.” As he spoke, he pressed Faramir’s hands to his chest and moved closer, his last words trailing off as their lips finally touched. Pulling his soon to be ex-lover against him, Haldir kissed him softly, though he wouldn’t allow himself the pleasure of deepening the kiss, afraid that he would reveal too much if he did, or that he would do or say something foolish. After only a moment, he stepped back and cleared his throat, swallowing away the ache in his heart, telling himself that he would feel better once he was outside of the Gondorian borders, and back with his family… as a free Elf again, a slave to no one. He took the agreement in one hand and folded it inside his tunic. “Goodbye, Faramir. I… I should go now. They will be waiting…” He backed toward the door, only looking away when his elbow bumped into the door frame. A moment later, he’d flung the door open and hurried down the hallway, promising himself that once he saw his brothers, he would be ready to go home for good, and never look back.

Faramir’s heart was breaking in his chest as Haldir spoke and then kissed him so tenderly. He could tell Haldir was holding back, just as he was but they couldn’t draw this out any more. Haldir had to leave, he couldn’t ask him to remain a slave and he wouldn’t but Gods it was hard not to. He nodded when they drew apart again. “I wish the same for you, my friend,” he whispered. “I… love you I wish the same.” He watched in silence as Haldir moved away and took the agreement. It was best that he didn’t go with him even as far as the gates, he wasn’t sure he could handle it, so Faramir waited until the door was closed for his tears to come. He crossed to the balcony and waited, watching for Haldir as he exited the citadel, and continued to watch until his love was gone from sight. He collapsed on the bed, clutching Haldir’s pillow to him, breathing in his scent and cried out his heartache.

Once Haldir reached his brothers, who were thrilled to see him again and couldn’t seem to stop hugging him as they tugged him away from Gondor, the expected feeling of relief didn’t overwhelm him as he’d hoped. In fact, he felt nothing but sadness, a longing for what he had given up, despite the constant excited chatter from Rúmil and Orophin, who wanted to get as far from Gondor as possible. They were less than a league away from the city when Haldir stopped. It took his brothers a few moments to realize he was no longer beside them, but Rúmil already knew what Haldir was thinking even before they saw him gazing back toward Minas Tirith… toward the citadel where he’d lived for the past year.

Rúmil put on arm around Haldir’s shoulder and sighed. “You would have to live as his slave,” he said softly.

Haldir nodded. “Aye. I know that.”

“You would have to hold your tongue around others, risk punishment for any little thing, and he could always give you away if he tired of you.”

Again, Haldir simply nodded.

Rúmil sighed as Orophin looked at his brothers in exasperation. “We will miss you, tor, but you cannot be happy without him, can you?”

Haldir drew his eyes away from the citadel and smiled at his younger brother. “No. I love him, and I think that possibly, he might love me back. It is a chance I will have to take, because even if I returned to Lothlórien, I would never be able to stop thinking of him.”

He hugged Rúmil, then Orophin, and took a few steps away from them, in the direction of Gondor. “Thank you for understanding… Maybe I will see you both again one day. I love you… but I love him too, brothers… so much.”

Orophin gaped as Haldir turned and ran back toward the city, long golden hair fanning out behind him, his feet making not the slightest noise on the ground as he disappeared from sight. As Rúmil began to explain, they headed back toward their home… without Haldir, just as Rúmil had known they would after seeing Haldir and Faramir together during his short time as Gondor’s prisoner.

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