Faramir Fiction Archive

Long Goodbyes (NC-17)

Written by Lilith

31 March 2004 | 11024 words

Chapter Three

Haldir stumbled back to Caras Galadhon. He felt completely numb, save for the raw ache in his heart.

He hates me....

Haldir had long debated whether to share his plans with Faramir. He had even visited Minas Tirith at midsummer with every intention of telling him. One moonlit evening he almost did. They were standing together on the parapet of the citadel, looking out over Pelennor Fields and the faraway mountains. The night sky was awash with stars. Haldir had taken Faramir's hand and raised it to his lips, gently kissing his fingers as he started to speak. He had stopped when he saw Faramir's face.

He had never seen his lover look so beautiful. A gentle breeze caressed the soft ringlets of dark hair as the moon kissed his pale face. Grey eyes brimming with love looked searchingly into his own. Faramir looked truly happy. Haldir longed to unburden his heart but could not destroy this image of perfect contentment. Instead he memorized every detail of his lover's face in that moment, knowing that he would call upon it again and again in the eternal days that stretched before him.

The next day Haldir had left the White City, after securing Arwen's promise that she would gently break the news to Faramir after their ship had sailed.

He said I betrayed him....

When Haldir had imagined this last day in his mind, it had been very different. In one version, only he would know that this day had any special significance – Faramir would not discover his departure until later. While he would naturally be upset, he would soon come to realise that this was the best way. There would be no time for regrets or recriminations.

Haldir was under no illusion that Faramir would not suffer after he left Middle-earth. But he had found men to be extremely resilient, and their memories to be short. The young man would grieve, but would find comfort in Aragorn's arms. Aragorn too would recognise the wisdom of this way, and would help bring Faramir around to understanding.

In time, both men would forget him, remembering only that they had once loved an elf in a long-lost place called Lórien. Even these memories would fade with time, and eventually they would be lost along with every other trace of the men he loved.

In fact, Haldir fully expected to suffer more than they through his endless days in Valinor thinking of his faraway loves.

He wouldn't even let me touch him....

Or else Faramir would somehow discover his secret and come to Ló rien, as he had today. After begging him to stay, he would finally accept that the elf had to go. There might be tears, but these would be tempered with kisses. Their final parting would be bittersweet and they would leave with heavy hearts. This would be hard on them both, but with time they would heal and have one last loving memory for the long years to come.

...a last romp for you to remember in the Undying Lands....

Haldir winced as he recalled the man's words. That's not what I wanted, he told himself. But in truth, he knew it was. He ached to hold the man one last time and kiss away the tears in eyes. He well knew the taste of Faramir's teardrops and imagined their saltiness on his tongue now. He closed his eyes as he pressed his palm to his mouth, dreaming that it was Faramir's lips pressing down on his own. For an instant he even smelled the man's musky scent....

Haldir forced himself to open his eyes. He knew he could easily lose himself in this fantasy, and he could not allow himself to do that – not yet.

He was right. I did betray him....

The bitter words had stung, but they were true. Haldir had not trusted him to be able to accept his decision. In his heart, he still thought of Faramir as the vulnerable young man they had rescued from Moria. He had been broken then, abused and violated by the servants of Saruman, and his suffering had elicited Haldir's pity. This had later turned to respect as he saw Faramir battle and defeat his demons, but the urge to protect him had never disappeared. And that was all that he wanted to do now – to protect Faramir from pain, to keep him from suffering.

But Haldir also knew he was protecting himself. He had made his decision, and was committed to following it through. His brothers needed him, and the Lady wished him to go with her. If he stayed in Middle-earth he would be alone – oh, not at first, both men were of Númenórean blood and would live for many years. But not forever. Like all mortals they would age, and eventually die. Haldir would be left to fade away of a broken heart, becoming a wasted vessel bereft of love or purpose.

Yet, even knowing all that, he did not want Faramir causing him to doubt himself. Haldir feared his resolve would crumble before his questioning grey eyes. If the young man really begged him to stay, he knew he would.

But there is little chance of that now, he thought bitterly. Faramir hates me....

Lost in his thoughts, Haldir paid no heed to his surroundings. He was surprised when he reached the southern gates to the city, and saw Rúmil and Orophin waiting for him. He smiled wanly at them.

"Suilaid, brothers," he said in the strongest voice he could muster.

He did not fool them for an instant. "You are returning alone? Haldir, what is wrong?" Rúmil asked.

"Where is Faramir?" Orophin added anxiously.

Haldir fought to maintain his composure. It would do no good to break down before his younger brothers. He had always tried to be strong for them. Usually it was not this difficult. But even without words, Haldir's pain was obvious. Moving as one, the brothers embraced him. Entwined in their arms, the tall elf's tears began to flow freely.

"He hates me," he sobbed.

"No," Rúmil and Orophin said together as they gently stroked their brother's back

"Faramir could never hate you," Orophin said.

"He would not have come to bid you farewell if he did," Rúmil added.

"He does," Haldir whispered, choking back his sobs. "As he should. I – I have betrayed him!"

"Shhh, brother, do not speak so," Rúmil said. "Come, sit here with us and tell us what has happened."

The brothers led Haldir to a towering mallorn-tree and sat down on either side of him. Orophin found a clean cloth in his pack and handed it to Haldir, who gratefully took it and wiped his eyes.

"Now tell us, Haldir, what has upset you so?" Rúmil said.

"Faramir was not supposed to – I didn't want him to – he shouldn't have –" Haldir knew he wasn't making sense, and his words trailed off.

"What did he do, Haldir?" Rúmil asked forcefully. "Has he hurt you in any way?"

Haldir shook his head sadly. "No, I have hurt him. I – I didn't tell him."

Orophin's eyes narrowed. "You didn't tell him what, brother?"

"That I was leaving."

"What do you mean? Of course he knew –" Orophin started, but Haldir interrupted.

"No, I did not tell him. I tried but it – I thought it would be better if – but he found out anyway and now he hates me," Haldir's tears returned as he recalled the young man's angry words.

A worried look flashed between the younger brothers as Haldir wept. They had long wondered about his decision to leave Middle-earth – or more importantly, to leave Faramir. The young man had brought such happiness to their brother's life. But for the past six months Haldir had calmly prepared for their departure, never displaying any doubts about leaving. When they had asked about it, he had simply said that his place was with the Lady, and with them. Rúmil and Orophin had assumed that he had made his decision with the knowledge and support of Faramir, and perhaps even of King Elessar.

Now their hearts ached as they realised the burdens he had shouldered, guarding this secret from those he loved best. Rúmil pulled his older brother closer so he could rest his head on his shoulder as he sobbed, Orophin tenderly stroking his arms and murmuring softly to him.

Haldir thought he would never stop weeping. For long minutes he lay there in his brothers' arms, releasing all the pent-up feelings he had carried alone for so long. Surely his heart was broken, but now all he could feel was an emptiness inside, the tears that stung his eyes, and his brothers' strong arms around him.

But finally his sobs did abate, and he lifted his head. "I am sorry," he said, not sure to whom he addressed the words.

"Come now, brother," Rúmil said. "This day is already too full of sorrow and there will be much time for mourning later."

"Yes," Orophin added. "We should return to the city. We have much to do before moonrise."

They both felt callous saying these words, instead wanting to hold their brother and let him empty all his tears, but they knew Haldir too well. Only putting his mind to other things would help dispel his grief. And there were many things to keep him occupied. Together the three elves walked back to Caras Galadhon to make the final preparations for the journey.

---

The last sun set over Lórien in a tremendous blaze of colour, as if tempting the Galadhrim to remain in Middle-earth if only for the profusion of pinks, oranges, and deep reds that filled the sky.

Intent on his last minute preparations, Haldir did not notice. He had taken extra care that afternoon to ensure that everything they were taking on their journey was carefully packed away, and that everything to be left behind was in order. Caras Galadhon would live forever exactly as he had left it tonight, and Haldir took great pride in knowing that it would be perfect.

His exertions also kept his mind occupied, which was what he needed tonight. So absorbed was he that he did not sense the Lady Galadriel until she stood before him. Surprised, he looked up into her emerald eyes and read a great concern there.

"Haldir, would you walk with me for a while?"

"Yes, my lady," he answered, following her graceful steps up into the highest lookout talan from where they could see the moon low in the eastern sky. Ithil, Haldir murmured to himself, squinting back his tears as he heard Faramir's voice echoing the Westron word.

"There is great sadness in your heart, my friend," Galadriel finally said. "This is a sad day for us all, for we all leave behind much that is beautiful, but it should also be a day of gladness and hope. You have none of that."

Haldir swallowed hard. He would not have Galadriel think that his resolve had faltered. "I am a march warden of Lórien, my Lady. My thoughts are burdened, it is true, but I am prepared to leave." He knew his voice sounded less confident than it should. "I am ready, my Lady," he repeated again.

"The road to the Grey Havens is long and we should depart soon," the Lady answered. "Yet I would not have any of the Galadhrim make this journey unless it is the greatest desire of their heart. Tell me, Haldir, why do you wish to leave this land and those you love?"

Had she asked why he wanted to go to the Undying Lands, or why he wanted to continue in her service, Haldir could easily have answered. His loyalty to his brothers and to Galadriel was unshakable. But with Galadriel's question he was undone. His eyes brimming with unshed tears, Haldir could only gaze into her face as she gently searched his mind.

Finally she took his hands in her own. Smiling tenderly, she said, "I see that this is not your desire. Your time to pass into the west has not yet come. There is no shame in that. I release you from my service, and bequeath you to serve Celeborn in Imladris. You may pass later, when you are ready."

"No, I can't," Haldir blurted out. "It is too late for me here. I have nothing to stay for anymore, and that is why my heart grieves. I have betrayed my love. Now I have nothing save my family and you. Do not leave me here, I beg of you."

Sadness filled Galadriel's eyes as she replied, "You are too full of grief, Haldir. The grey ships will not bear one with such a heavy heart, for when you reach Valinor you would quickly fade away. You cannot now pass with us."

Haldir felt the world crashing around him. Pulling away from Galadriel, he leaned heavily on the talan's railing. He had not thought that his heart could ache any more, but now he knew that that was only the start of suffering.

He had no idea how much time had passed before he heard the Lady's voice behind him. "I must leave you, Haldir, for the night is quickly passing. But I would not leave you without hope, although you now believe that there is none to be found. Listen carefully to me. We will reach Imladris in two nights. If you can leave Middle-earth freely, without sorrow, then join us there. But if you find you cannot go yet, then stay with Celeborn and serve him well, as you have always served me."

Haldir felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. "It is my greatest wish that you find happiness, my dear friend." Then she was gone.

The elf watched from his high perch as the city emptied. The path to Rivendell became a river of shimmering light, and then too soon the light was gone and Haldir was alone.

---

After racing back across the Celebrant and out of Haldir's sight, Faramir eased his mount's pace. His body and soul were weary and he could barely stay in the saddle. His horse gratefully slowed to a trot as his rider nursed his wounded feelings.

Damn that arrogant elf!

Faramir was furious. He had ridden night and day to get here, only to have Haldir act as if nothing was wrong – as if he was travelling to Belfalas for a holiday, not leaving his life forever. He had stood there so confidently, so assured that what he did was right – not only for him and but also for everyone around him. This had always been one of the things that Faramir loved about Haldir, why he had so often turned to him for comfort, but now he hated it. He hated the way the elf had stood there smiling as he had ridden up to him. He hated how he had tried to soothe him, and how the elf had made him feel as he tore himself from his arms. He hated how he had spoken of duty, as if that was a reason to deny his love.

What was worse, Faramir did not know whether he hated the elf more for leaving or for not telling him.

How could he leave me so easily?

Faramir had long battled inner demons that told him he was unlovable. They were persistent beings, nurtured by his family and his own excessive humility. He had always known that their father loved his older brother more, and he could easily understand why. Boromir was the shining son – bold and glorious, courageous and strong. He curried favour with men for his skill as a warrior, and with women for his handsome dark features.

As a child Faramir had worshipped his brother, just as all the others did, and wanted to be just like him. As he grew older he came to accept that he could never attain his skill or his beauty. His talent lay in the keen insight and inner strength that he had inherited from his father, tempered with Finduilas' gentleness. These traits were never appreciated by Denethor, or fully understood by his brother, and all his life Faramir had felt lacking.

Two years with Haldir and Aragorn had changed all that. Aragorn valued his council and Faramir knew his intellect was finally useful. His confidence had grown too through his relationship with the king. Despite their differences, they were both men, both with frailties and imperfections. Faramir cherished all of Aragorn's flaws, knowing that they made him more than a king – they made him a man that he could love.

His love for Haldir was entirely different. When he had first set eyes on Haldir, Faramir thought him the most wondrous creature he had ever seen. His ethereal beauty was deeply comforting after three days of darkness in the caves, and Faramir was soothed by his serene voice and placid movements. At times he seemed the only one that Faramir could trust. Solace had slowly turned into love, but one that Faramir believed would be ever unrequited. He had been amazed to find that Haldir returned his feelings.

The elf's love had done so much for Faramir's confidence. Haldir embodied physical perfection to Faramir – the strong, muscled body, his fair, flawless skin, graceful features, and the greenest eyes he had ever seen. Faramir knew that he should have felt repugnant beside the elf, but for some reason he didn't. Haldir saw something in him that was desirable, and Faramir had begun to believe that he really was. More than that, Haldir had helped heal his broken spirit. At his lowest point after Moria, when he wanted nothing more than to die, the elf had lifted him up and convinced him that he deserved to live. And again, Faramir had started to believe it was true.

Which was why Haldir's actions had wounded him so badly.

Why didn't he tell me? Was he lying to me all along?

Faramir felt his self-confidence waver. He was again tempted to retreat into the dark thoughts that had haunted him even more since Moria. These did not come in his father's words anymore, nor in the form of his loved ones as they had with Gríma's potions. Now his doubts assumed his own voice, shattering his precious peace that had been so hard won. Usually he could resist them, but at times like these the voices threatened to overwhelm him.

Why should he owe me any explanation at all? I should have known that I was just a plaything for him. How could there ever be real love between me and an elf? It's easy to see why he welcomed the chance to escape from Middle-earth – and from me!

Teardrops poured down Faramir's face. When he brushed them away, his rough leather glove caught the still raw cut on his cheek. The stinging pain bringing him back to consciousness and he shook his head violently to dispel these thoughts. He had long battled these voices and knew that it required all his might to fight them. His strengths were his intellect and his reason, and that was what he needed now.

There must be reason he didn't tell me.

Faramir frantically tried to remember their last meeting in Minas Tirith. Haldir had been withdrawn, but had blamed it on the long journey from Lórien. Other than that, he had been incredibly loving, perhaps even more than usual. Faramir had thought it was because they had not seen each other for some time, but now he realised the truth. He knew even then, he whispered to himself. He knew and he did not tell me.

The elf always wanted to protect him, he knew that. How he had thought he could protect him from this, Faramir did not know. There would be no way to hide the fact that he had gone to the Undying Lands. And there would be no way that Faramir could pretend that being left behind would not hurt.

But then he remembered Haldir saying that he would find this easier to accept as time passed. Faramir smiled despite himself. Time was Haldir's answer to everything. He had insisted that only time would help heal his wounds from Moria. "The scars on your body will fade first," Haldir had told him, "but there are deeper scars on your soul that also need to heal."

And he had been right. It had taken a long while, but his nightmares had all but disappeared. He had been terrified the first time that the company met the Uruk-hai at Amon Hen, but he had overcome his fear and defended the ringbearer with all his might. And he had slowly learned to give and take pleasure from Aragorn and Haldir, disassociating the brutalities in the mines from what the three of them did in the name of love.

Still he should not have made this decision for me.

It was typical of Haldir's arrogance that he thought he knew best. And he probably thought I would make a fuss about it, Faramir admitted, which I did. But of course he should have made a fuss about it. This was an irrevocable decision – they would never see each other again.

The finality of this struck Faramir even harder than before. He thought of Haldir waiting for him on the riverbank, and suddenly the elf's confidence seemed less certain. And his smile – had Faramir seen a tiny trace of doubt there? Was Haldir perhaps less sure of his decision than he thought?

And what of the elf's offer to spend his last hours in Lórien with him. Would he have been able to change his mind? Or might they just have found comfort together one last time? Painful as that might be, Faramir now realised that he wanted that more than anything in the world. He suddenly felt like he had thrown away something even more precious than the ring of power.

Faramir gazed up at the sun dipping below the Brown Lands. The moon would rise soon, and the elves would make their way out of Lórien. After that, Faramir knew there would be no way to find them. He had ridden several hours from the forest, but still he had to try. The man reined in his already exhausted steed and urged him back to Lórien.

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