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Family Games (NC-17)
Written by December19 December 2010 | 65301 words
Chapter 17. The Pond and the Pebble
“When I served in Lórien, I was not of a rank high enough to report directly to the Lord and the Lady – that is how we say it, but in truth ’tis the Lady who rules the land – so I saw them seldom, and only from afar,” Orophin said. “And then one day when I had no duty, she chanced to walk upon me in the woods. She looked upon me, and smiled as though she liked what she saw, and I was glad in return, for I took it to mean she liked me. She stood and talked to me for a while, asking after me and the work I did, but mostly simply watching me, gazing into my eyes so that it felt to me she read my whole heart through them. Then a ray of Anor fell upon me through amid the branches and leaves, and played on me, and she said I had beautiful hair. It made me blush fiercely that she should compliment me like so, and she smiled again.
“And since that day I was often called to the royal talan to deliver reports and run errands. Ever the Lord Celeborn would be there also, sitting by her side, and the Lady Galadriel would draw his attention to me, and praise me before him as though inviting him to share the enjoyment she found in my presence – and often she would leave us alone for a time. And he began to look at me, look in the way that made me burn with a fire I had not known before, one that would not leave me even after I walked out of sight of him – and so I concluded it must be love I encountered at last. To the naïve self-assured youth without any sense whatsoever that I was back then it seemed only fitting that if another male were to ever stir my heart, it should be a tall magnificent lord like him, as beautiful as he was handsome, reserved of words, but oh so keen of gaze.
“For a long time I honestly believed it would be naught more than a hopeless dreamy infatuation on my behalf – what did I have on her? I never allowed that one with such a sublime wife would trouble himself with taking a lover also, and a boy, too. There were the glances, yes – or, more accurately, there were stares – but I had never thought it would go any further than that…
“Then one day he went on a hunt into the deeps of the wood, and I was among the many who accompanied him. He seemed to have grown greatly passionate about the chase, and moved so swiftly all the retinue was left well behind, and only I had followed sufficiently close to see his shape through the trees. Then he stopped, as though the game had thrown him off, and I ran out into the clearing, saying we had lost everyone else.
“He turned to me, and just gazed upon me. And all breath left me, and I stood still. Lord Celeborn may oft forgo exercising it in his official position, but his will is strong and masterful – and just that one look from him was enough for me to know that it would happen, now.
“It was early spring, that time the mellyrn shed their goldened robes to bloom and sprout new greenth in their place. And he came to me, and undressed me, and took me right there on the yellow carpet of fallen leaves.
“From then on he would oft lie with me – never at night, which I had greatly longed for, but never in haste, either. He took the time to teach me how to satisfy him best, and it always amused him when I too found pleasure. He would talk with me afterwards, or rather he would talk to me, muse aloud about many a wondrous thing, and I would lie silently by his side and only marvel at the intricacy of the world, my imagination rising to heights unforeseen.
“I was happy – I think…
“Being with him took me out of myself, beyond what I had known before, beyond what I had been. It made me feel as though I was truly special, to have been chosen out of all the other Elves by one like him, and it began to seem to me like I had always deserved it, and was now getting what was practically owed to me by fate. And it was so liberating to open to him, to entrust myself – I had never wanted that before, had always judged I was perfectly strong enough on my own, and I was generally quite proud too, but… It exhilarated me to surrender myself to him and cast my pride away, for in doing so I saw a strange promise that my life would become like it had never been, that there would come to be wonders, and glory, and surpassing bliss in it.
“Mind you, I had been perfectly content up to then – the life I had led was like any other, not particularly remarkable, but it had never occurred to me to be displeased with it. But when he took me to him, something was set loose in me, and I allowed myself to drown in him, and naught but him would occupy my thought, naught else would matter…” Orophin was speaking with great detachment and also a note of wonder in his voice, as though the story he relayed was of someone other than himself.
“We weren’t very discreet – I thought it was fine: he never spoke to me of peril and risk, like you did. I was never fool enough to actually think that if ever it came to it he would choose me over her – or over the woods, to be precise. He was a bit like a cat in that respect: always attached to the place more than anything else… Nor would have I truly wished for him to abandon his home for my sake… To be frank, I don’t think that I did give the matter any actual thought – it was easier not to dwell on it, to simply take every day as it came. After all, I was quite head over heels by then…
“Besides, I was growing to be under the impression the Lady knew everything, or at least knew that sooner or later it would have happened. And she treated me in no way like one treats a rival they fear or a bother they condemn. She was very pleasant and as though a little expectant with me, and she ever watched him watch me, and did not seem displeased – so I began to think that perhaps the Lord and the Lady had some agreement between themselves: who’s to know what goes on between a husband and wife? And for those who had lived in marriage for a time uncounted even by Elven terms – certainly they would know each other’s hearts…?
“And she certainly did know his, or else wished to test that she did, although sometimes it seems to me she tempted him with me simply for the sake of tempting him, just to see what he would do – I mean, there was no upside, was there? And it was certainly not a very kind act on her behalf… But then again, she is not a kindly lady, although neither is she specifically unkind. If anything, the Lady is given to detaching herself: she is of the sort who like to throw a pebble into a still pond and then stand and observe the circles ripple its surface. And as for the pebble – what do they care for it?
“Aye, she lets things run their course, for even if what she saw pass unspoken between Lord Celeborn and I alarmed her, she had chosen not to interfere. At least not until it was too late to change anything concerning me.
“Too late had I realised that I had landed myself right in the middle of quite a complicated family situation. And when it’s ‘family’ as in ‘the ruling family’, it never bodes good, does it?” he sighed ironically. “Perhaps something in their balance had shifted, or else she had indeed not known that he was intimate with me – but somehow one day all of Lόrien came to know, and of course the guilty party had to pay. Like I said, our society is not lenient towards unions between two males – and you do understand that my case had some aggravating circumstances…
“I was stripped and publicly flogged, and my brothers stood there with their heads bowed in shame, and would not meet my eyes – then my hair was cut off at the nape and I was cast out from within sight of Lórien with naught else but the set of garments you had seen when you met me, my bow, a quiver of arrows, and a dagger. It was quite generous to let me keep the weapons…” This part Orophin related very casually, as though something to have been expected all along, and he did not seem to notice how Faramir gasped in consternation and tensed up at his words.
“At first I wandered about without aim, vacant and numb, for I was as though stunned, unable to digest what had happened: that this was it, that my life would never, ever be as before.
“Then gradually I settled into a state of perpetual misery and rancour.
“What hurt the most was his bearing throughout the scandal: he had been completely unfazed. I could understand it that I received no protection from him, for in her wrath the Lady is not to be tamed. I could even understand it that he allowed all the responsibility to be officially allocated to me, to let it be said I had seduced him – it was not very decent on his behalf, perhaps, but it was an understandable thing to do. I would have even understood it if it were to turn out that he had played me for the sake of some twisted enjoyment. What simply shattered my mind was that he did not give a hoot. There was nothing at all: no sympathy, no contrition or regret, it did not even irk him to part with an intimate partner to whom he had grown accustomed.
“He let me be disposed of and did not raise a brow – because I did not matter to him.
“For so long I could not comprehend how it could be so. Of course I had never deluded myself into thinking I was the most important person in his life, and however unintentionally I had played a part in bringing affliction upon him – but to throw me away so, as though I was not only expendable, but worthless… Even a torn sock you would not discard without trying to mend it first, but this…”
Faramir thought the Elf might cry, for his voice had become unsteady, and he sounded as though he were still at a loss as to the logic of his former lord’s behaviour – but he did not cry, and only pressed himself closer into the Man’s arms and lay quiet and very still for a long time. Faramir did not urge him on, and said nothing at all, only holding him and breathing in the same rhythm with him.
“I know I have no blame to place on him,” Orophin began slowly again, his tone shedding its previous heaviness, “he had done nothing to deceive me. He had allowed me to pleasure him, and to tarry afterwards and lie in quiet tenderness with him – and I had taken it to signify I meant something to him. But he had never promised me anything, never spoken of feelings that were not there – we never talked of him and I in the context of a relationship, had placed no term on what he and I were doing, how we ought to be defined in the eyes of each other. I suppose that if ever he had given it any thought at all, our standing would have been the same as without the sex: he was the lord, and I was a subject. But this had not occurred to me until much, much later – for to me we were lovers. Not of equal status, of course, but lovers nonetheless… Foolish, huh…? But it is hard not to have it grow on you when you let someone take you time after time, again and again. You develop a sensation of such strong, profound connection to him that it becomes physically impossible to conceive that in truth you are there only for the pleasure of his body and diversion of his mind.
“It is easy to look at it all from the rational point of view now, when my hair is long again, and I have a man like you near – for, as I’ve said, you put everything into perspective. You are kind, and sincere, and you care. It sounds so trivial, and perhaps I had my wings broken and can no longer rise up above the trivial, but as I see it now, that much is already more than enough. But back then…”
Orophin shifted in Faramir’s embrace, nestling to him and nuzzling the man’s chest with his cheek.
“Do you know, I was so angry with him – for betraying me, and with myself – for being blind, and stupid,” the Elf observed thoughtfully. “And so I wandered for many a season, alternating between feeling sorry for myself for being so hideously wronged – and deprecating myself, saying into my own ears that I got only what was my due: I had made a reckless thoughtless gamble and lost not only what love I had thus gained, but my whole way of living, which there would be no returning to for me. But worst of all I deprecated myself for missing him, for I desired to hate him but could not…
“It wore me out, and dulled my consciousness, and at times I would lie down on the ground wherever I had chanced to stray, and let the days pass me by, trees shedding their leaves on me, and snow shrouding me, and then melting into water through my garments. If there was anything I wished for in those times it was that I had the Gift of Ilúvatar and were mortal. Then I could have faded and passed away, for all that had been dear to me was gone and I saw no point in lingering, and my existence seemed but a burden and a joke to me.
“And then I came upon Ithilien, and for a while forgot all that troubled me, for in it I found an echo of my former home, of the life I used to have before – and was comforted. As you know, I met the Orcs shortly after. Ironically, they gave me purpose. At first I only wished to stay in the groves – and to prove to myself I was worth something, that I could manage without… without anyone, actually. My spite gave me great strength, and I feared naught, for it did not occur to me they might try to take me captive – and death cast no dread over me.
“But one cannot sustain on spite alone indefinitely, and at some point I began to fantasise… I had nothing ahead of me, so my thought turned backwards, and I began imagining… It sounds ridiculous when I say it aloud, but… I thought, if only I could clear this fair forest then perhaps…”
He sighed heavily, and for the first time throughout his narration raw, wistful sadness came through in his voice. “I thought, somehow he would know of it, and then…”
“Go ahead,” Faramir murmured to him gently, and trailed his hand over the Elf’s hair in a soothing reassuring caress.
“And then he would see how good I was, and change his mind about me…” Orophin said quietly, and again lay silent for a time. Then he raised himself up decisively and looked hard into Faramir’s face. “But that all changed – or at least began to change – when you came along. I became even fiercer in my pursuits regarding those foul creatures, for suddenly there was a glint of hope for me that something new and good still lay in wait for me.”
“Orophin,” Faramir said gently, and reached to caress him on the face – but the Elf suddenly grew embarrassed.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t have told you all this,” he said quietly, hiding his face on Faramir’s chest once more. “Now you probably deem me needy and troublesome, if not altogether mad, and regret getting involved…”
Faramir smiled and ran his fingers through Orophin’s hair. “No… What you tell me indeed does breed sorrow in me,” and foreboding, he did not add. “But if you want to know what I think of your actions, I shall tell you this. First of all, I knew from the start you had something gnawing at your heart – and that had not stopped me then, and even less would it stop me now when I know the details. As for your project in Ithilien… Well, a little rash, a little desperate – yes, but definitely not mad, and in no way pathetic – or did you say ‘needy’? If anything, I have to respect your fighting spirit, Orophin – and be grateful for your confidence in me: I don’t suppose this story was easy to tell…”
Orophin chuckled. “Nay, it was far better than I had feared. Like I said, those days are passed – and let us not speak of this any longer, for all is well now.”
He propped himself up to look at the Man again, and although the Elf’s gaze was grave and full of tenderness, the kiss he proceeded to bestow upon Faramir’s eager mouth was full of ardour and zest.
“In that case,” Faramir murmured after they had kissed their full, and turned them to lie on their sides, “would you mind making love to me one more time? ‘Tis impossible to lie with you like so and not begin to burn anew.” He eased his leg between the Elf’s thighs in a foxily suggestive manner.
Orophin laughed merrily, and kissed him on the nose. “I certainly would not mind! Oh, I would not…”
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Wow, December, I did hope that my request would go to you, I know you write so well… but I never expected to get an eighteen-chapter story! And how will I find the time to read it all, now?
Well, thank you so much, I’m sure I’ll love it, and I’ll start reading at once; but you might have to wait a bit for a full commentary…
— Nerey Camille Sunday 19 December 2010, 13:50 #