Faramir Fiction Archive

Darkness and Light (NC-17)

Written by Sairalinde and Anorienbean

11 August 2009 | 145537 words

Chapter 28

Dorvane leaned back against a tree and smiled as he looked out across their property. The tiny farm was doing even better than it had their first year and now six years into their lives together, he still couldn’t believe how his life had changed. At 18 he had tried to end his own life, at 35 he had made an agreement with Haldir. By 36 he was free of Saruman’s dark magic and now he had just turned 41 years old and he was never happier. Haldir had, as he had promised so many times, never left him. In fact, the very Elf he was thinking about was just lowering himself next to him on the grass. “It still amazes me how beautiful our home is,” he said softly as he looked up at his husband.

Haldir smiled as he sat down and gazed across the land, then back at Dorvane. He had a slight catch in his back, something he’d never really experienced before, and something he was careful to hide, and continued moving to rest his head on his husband’s thigh before answering. “I’ve always thought when the occupants are happy, the home is all the more beautiful,” he smiled, sighing in contentment as he settled in and got comfortable. “And the Valar knows we have filled the place with happiness over the past few years.”

Smiling as Haldir lay down with his head in his lap that way, Dorvane nodded. “And we will always fill it with happiness,” he said softly as his hand naturally began to move to slip through Haldir’s golden hair. “The corn is almost ready to harvest, I think we should probably take the next several days and conserve our energy for that,” he said after a few moments, his fingers absently moving and sliding through his lover’s hair. It was always so soft and quite literally an obsession of Dorvane’s.

Long lashes closed over smooth, pale skin as the Elf closed his eyes and nodded. “Hmmm… conserving our energy sounds good, as long as we do it without clothes and there are a few full body massages involved. I wouldn’t want us to get sore from inactivity you know…”

Dorvane laughed at Haldir’s teasing but felt a stab of heat rush through him at the very thought. “That sounds like a perfect plan,” Dorvane conceded as he leaned down and kissed the tip of Haldir’s nose before straightening again. His fingers continued to stroke through Haldir’s hair as they relaxed together but then… something felt… wrong. Wrong? It was an odd sensation really, Dorvane’s fingers paused and he moved them again, a strand of hair seemed more coarse than the others around it almost reminding him of the same way the few grays he’d found in his own hair felt. Gray hair? On an Elf? Gods… that can’t be right. He looked down, lifting Haldir’s hair into the sunlight and letting it fall back down slowly, seeing the hair in question catch and shine pure silver in the light. He gasped. Elves did NOT get gray hair. “Haldir… love… I… you… you have a gray hair…”

Haldir froze for a moment, not saying a word, and he would have sworn his heart stopped. He knew this moment would come one day, but he hadn’t been expecting it so soon, and honestly, he had no idea how Dorvane would react to the explanation of exactly why he had a gray hair. His husband had only recently began to let go of some of his guilt and to truly believe in their love, and this conversation could either make him believe even more, or simply pile the guilt back on in layers. Slowly, Haldir opened his eyes and sat up. “Aye. The first of many, I imagine. Pull it out if it bothers you, guren.”

Dorvane almost spluttered. “P… pull it out? The first… of many? But… Haldir, Elves… you don’t get gray hair… do you? I… do you? I’ve never heard of it before if so,” he said in confusion. Maybe he didn’t know as much about Elves as he imagined?

Pulling his legs up against his chest, Haldir wrapped his arms around them and rested his chin on his knees. He regarded his beloved husband seriously for a moment and took a deep breath. “Dorvane, I have never once lied to you, but… I have kept something from you. Something that happened on the day Saruman died, while you were unconscious. It was the only way I knew of to keep you alive, and I was afraid that you would feel guilty if you knew the truth. But… I also knew I couldn’t hide it forever. I only hope you can forgive me for not telling you sooner.”

Dorvane watched silently as Haldir seemed to curl in on himself and found himself puzzled as he spoke. Something that happened the day Saruman died? Only way he knew what? “What… what did you do? What would make me feel guilty? You have me utterly confused,” Dorvane admitted, sliding a bit closer and resting his hands on Haldir’s knees. “What is it?

Haldir took another deep breath and pressed a kiss against Dorvane’s knuckles. “You have to understand, love, that you were… you were dying right before me. And I had only just realized I loved you. I knew the only way to keep you alive was to beg the Valar to save you, and… and I didn’t have time to hope they heard my prayers. I did the only thing I knew to do. I wanted to talk to them directly, so… I cut my wrists. I bled so you could live, and then… I bled some more so I could die and go to the Halls of Mandos.”

Dorvane felt as if the air in his chest had turned to ice and his lungs could not function for a few seconds. Haldir had taken his life? For him? At first fury was the only thing that swept through him. “How could you do that? How could you take that risk? You know what happened to me, Haldir, how could you have done that?” His heart was beating madly in his chest as he stared at his husband. “What if you hadn’t woken up?”

“If you weren’t going to, then I didn’t want to either,” Haldir said softly. “I fully expected to see you either back in our rooms, or to see you join me in the Halls of Waiting. Either way, I figured we would be together, which was all I was thinking about at the time… all I cared about. Luckily, I was granted an audience, made a… a deal, and when I awoke, I was beside you in our bed, and you were breathing easier. So… it all worked out perfectly in the end.”

Blinking slowly as he took in the information, Dorvane shook his head in disbelief. Haldir had risked his life for him, had loved him that much then? How was that possible? “You… were granted an audience and made a deal… what sort of deal?”

Worrying his bottom lip for a moment, Haldir could only pray that Dorvane would see this as the final proof of his feelings and not something else to blame himself for. “I… Your life in exchange for… for my immortality. I could never seek out my brothers again, and I would grow old with you, and when you pass, I will pass as well, but… we will be together in the next life too. I may look like an Elf, but as of that day, I have lived and will die as men do, and I have never once regretted that decision, Dorvane. Never once.”

A gentle breeze through their little valley likely would have blown Dorvane over after he heard Haldir’s words. He shifted, sitting back on his heels and stared at his husband for a long moment. “You exchanged your immortality for me? For a man you had no idea was going to live or die? The gods are not ones to be trifled with… they… I cannot believe you did this. I… all that time I worried so much that I was second in your heart until the day we met with Faramir in Gondor and yet you still didn’t tell me this. You… you gave up everything for me, Haldir… I… I don’t know what to think. I love you so much and… am grateful yet another part of me wants to throttle you, you silly Elf!”

Unsure whether to laugh or attempt to look chagrined, Haldir settled for shrugging and simply meeting Dorvane’s gaze. “You have never been second in my heart,” he said softly. “I would have done anything to keep you alive, and to this day, I would make the very same decision right now if I had to do it over again. I need you, I love you, and you are the most precious, amazing gift I have ever known, Dorvane. I only kept this from you because I feared you would feel guilty… and I know you will feel even guiltier if you throttle me, so… you might as well just give up on that idea and kiss me instead. It will make us both much happier, and it is far less violent.”

“I do feel guilty… though you had much better reasons in your heart than I did when I… took my life,” Dorvane whispered, swallowing past a lump in his throat. “I just… never imagined anyone could love me so much,” he said the last words as he leaned closer to his husband. “Thank you… I cannot ask if you have regrets because I think if you did, I would have seen them by now.” With that his lips brushed against his lover’s in a sweet almost chaste kiss. “In the future, do not keep things like that from me, please?”

Haldir straightened out his legs and pulled Dorvane against him. “I promise. I have no more secrets, and I do love you that much. I have since the very day I made that deal… and perhaps longer. When the deal was put before me, I agreed, and afterward, I was told that if there had been the slightest hesitation in my heart, we both would have lost our lives, and never would have been together again, in either world. So you see, despite all the fears you used to have, I never doubted, guren, never once. I just didn’t know when you would be ready to hear this. You carried so much guilt for so very long, I couldn’t bear to add to it. I’m so sorry if I handled this wrong… perhaps I should have told you long ago.”

“You did not handle it wrong,” Dorvane said as he moved into a better position straddling his lover’s thighs. “I think… I think I wasn’t ready to hear all this years ago. I think the guilt would have overwhelmed me more because I was not as confident in our relationship as I am now. I love you more than ever, Haldir, and that I think will never change except perhaps to grow stronger. You gave me a second chance at life and I don’t want to waste a moment of it.”

Burying his face against the warmth of his husband’s neck, Haldir smiled and closed his eyes. “There was one little perk… remember once I told you I thought you would have a long life? Well, my immortality wasn’t completely taken away, exactly. When I made this deal, one of the Valar – I’m not such which one, as it’s all a bit fuzzy, said that such devotion should be rewarded. We will have long lives here, and an eternity together in the next world. But… as I said, be prepared to see many gray hairs on your Elf, and you might hear a few creaking joints and crackles now and then. I don’t think Elven bones were made to age, so they might protest a bit. But… they will have to adapt, because I am so looking forward to growing old with you.”

Dorvane’s eyes widened and he thought that perhaps it was in a way fitting, they had both lost many years of their lives to Saruman, it was only fitting that they somehow got them back. “Gray hair is hard to see on you anyway… I had to feel that one,” he grinned. “And… at least now I don’t have to feel awkward in 20 years when I’m all wrinkled and completely white haired and with some young pretty Elf that could pass as my grandson let alone son,” Dorvane teased as he shifted in Haldir’s lap and leaned forward. “As for creaking bones, maybe we can rub each other with liniment then.”

Blue eyes sparkled with laughter as Haldir realized that his husband was taking the news far better than he’d expected. “I might just start creaking tonight then, to see how the liniment works,” he teased in response. “Just to test your rubbing skills, of course.” His hands wandered over Dorvane’s back and arm and one came to rest beneath his hair, cupping his neck gently. “Thank you, guren. Thank you for accepting this, and for understanding that it was the only choice I could have made. I was so afraid you would be angry with me.”

Dorvane felt his skin tingle where Haldir touched him and shook his head slowly. “At first I was angry but… I realized that I cannot change what has already been done, we are here now and together so how can I argue with it? I am not happy that you took such a risk, I cannot stand the thought of you doing anything for me that would cause you pain but… I can understand why,” Dorvane said softly as he gazed into such bright blue eyes. “A part of me hates the idea that you gave up your immortality for me like that but I know if it were me in your place, I would not want to live without you.”

“A life without you would hold no joy for me,” Haldir said softly, letting his thumb run along Dorvane’s jaw. “By living as a man, rather than being reborn, I will simply go where men go in the afterlife… and I will go with you, holding your hand. There is nothing more I could want than to be by your side, then and forever after.” His eyes, which had grown serious as he spoke, crinkled at the corners in tiny lines he had tried to hide before today and no longer bothered with now. “Besides, you know you can’t stay angry with me for long. Ever since that first day we kissed as true lovers, you have not truly been able to stay mad for more than a few seconds… and you are well aware of it…”

Dorvane was touched by Haldir’s words, knowing that he felt the same way and then found himself laughing softly. “You too have been well aware of the fact that you’ve had me wrapped around your little finger since that day. And… I would not have it any other way,” he said grinning. “Besides, you make it so worth my while to give in to you.”

Haldir leaned forward and caught Dorvane’s bottom lip between his teeth, almost purring as sucked the sweet skin into his mouth. “And you, my love, are no slouch in the worth-my-while department yourself,” he murmured, sliding his hands underneath Dorvane’s tunic and greedily running his fingertips over smooth, warm skin. As he leaned back and pulled his husband on top of him, he looked up into dark brown eyes and smiled. He would have given anything to be able to spare Dorvane from Saruman’s darkness, and to have spared Faramir all that had happened to him as well. But to Haldir, as terrible as those eight years he’d been held captive were, they were all worth it. If he had to live them all again in exchange for what he and Dorvane had now, he would gladly do so, because Dorvane, whether he believed it or not, was so very worth it, without the slightest doubt. “I adore you, my sweet husband,” he said softly. “Never, ever doubt that, not for one moment.”

Finding himself caught by his lover’s words and actions, Dorvane merely wrapped his arms around Haldir and smiled happily. “As I adore you… I no longer doubt your love for me, Haldir, I have not in several years now you know. I am glad you told me what sacrifices you made and I just want you to know that I love you for that… as much as I wish I could go back and spare you so much pain I know I cannot change the past, but I can do all I can to make sure your future – our future – is filled with joy.” Dorvane leaned in and pressed his lips to Haldir’s again, kissing slowly and nibbling his lips before teasing beyond them with his tongue.

Opening himself up completely and surrendering to the kiss, Haldir was soon moaning as Dorvane’s tongue slipped past his lips and began licking at the inside of his mouth. Blue eyes closed and a soft, content sigh was lost between them as two hearts sped up, skin softened beneath loving hands and shafts hardened and two lovers once again became one, only this time, with no secrets between them.

Scars and secrets had been shared, the past was pushed aside in favor of joyful futures, as one man and one Elf who over a decade ago had seemed destined to kill one another brought each other unimaginable pleasure and comfort. Pain had been erased, fear had been replaced by laughter and joy, hate forsaken for love, and most of all darkness had been overtaken by light.

The End… to this version.

For an alternate ending go to LordsOfGondor to read a totally different version of events.

NB: Please do not distribute (by any means, including email) or repost this story (including translations) without the author's prior permission. [ more ]

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