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This story is rated «NC-17», and carries the warnings «Abuse, non-con/rape».
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Darkness and Light (NC-17)
Written by Sairalinde and Anorienbean11 August 2009 | 145537 words
Chapter 24
Over the months that followed their first harvests from their small field and garden, Dorvane and Haldir realized there was simply too much food for just themselves and even after selling some for other things they might need; they still had food that might go to waste. So one night Dorvane struck on an idea after Haldir told him of spotting some of the former slaves the last time they went into the village where they traded. Dorvane asked his lover if he thought his idea was sound and the Elf agreed.
So once or twice a month when they had more food than needed Dorvane and Haldir would set out on horseback after the sun had set. They would travel to the homes of former slaves, leaving bundles of fresh vegetables and berries on their doorsteps.
They had just returned from one such outing and were getting undressed for bed. It was very late but the trips like that always felt more than worth it. It was the least Dorvane could do for those men he had a hand in torturing. The only thing about those nights was the fact it made him remember so much. He often wondered what Haldir thought of during their ride as well. Did he remember all the horrible things Dorvane himself had done to him? He knew Haldir loved him, had asked him to marry him in fact but he still worried that the Elf had bad memories of the man he had once been.
Taking off his cloak and tunic, Dorvane looked over at his lover simply watching him as he undressed as well. Do you remember all the pain I caused you? Do you remember your Ranger on these nights and wish for something different?
Haldir did, in fact remember too much on these nights, and after Dorvane slept, he would hold him especially tight, thankful that the man beside him was no longer the man who had caused them so much pain. They avoided contact with the slaves for the most part, but the ones Haldir had seen looked so… haunted. Though he knew in his heart that Faramir now loved someone else, he couldn’t seem to get his former lover completely out of his mind, often wondering if Faramir thought Haldir had simply abandoned him.
The Elf crawled into bed and looked up, surprised to find Dorvane looking at him. “Guren? You look tired… and as if something is on your mind. Tell me?”
Dorvane tried to shake off his thoughts as he stripped the rest of his clothing off and crossed to the bed. “I… I was wondering…” he paused as he sat down on the edge of the bed and took Haldir’s hand in his, rubbing his finger against Haldir’s matching ring to his own. “Wondering what it was you thought of on these nights… you are always so quiet on the ride and even after we get home. I… is it too painful for you? I never really considered it before because you were so pleased with the idea of doing this but… if you rather I go alone… I can. This is my penance after all, Haldir, not yours.”
Haldir sat up next to Dorvane and brought their joined hands to his lips to kiss his lover’s knuckles, then the band around his finger. “You will bear nothing alone, guren,” he said softly. “I want to help you, and I want to help all the innocent men who were hurt because of Saruman’s war. I just…” He stopped, rested his head against Dorvane’s and sighed. “It’s just that I am so happy now, and I wonder if the rest of the former slaves have found happiness as well. I wonder if…” Gods, I don’t want to hurt you, but… I have to know. “I wonder if Faramir is truly happy as well.”
Dorvane was touched at the way Haldir kissed his hands and spoke of him bearing nothing alone. Then when he asked if they were happy if Faramir was happy he swallowed hard and closed his eyes. “You… still love him don’t you?” he asked softly, worried that the love Haldir still felt for the Ranger was something that would always be between them. He would never truly be Haldir’s lover or even his husband as long as the memory of another love long gone was between them.
Haldir closed his eyes and squeezed Dorvane’s hand. “Not like I love you,” he said softly. “I think what we had was exactly what we needed to get us through… what we were going through at the time. A part of me will always be grateful for the comfort he offered so freely, and that part of me will always… Gods, I’m sorry, guren. A small part of me will always care for him. But my heart belongs to you, Dorvane. I only want to wish him well and tell him how happy I am that he moved on… and that I did as well.”
It had been unfair to both Haldir and the young Ranger. The Ranger had no choice at all in the matter; Haldir had given up so much for him without his even knowing. If Saruman’s powers hadn’t began to weaken their hold on him… if the timing had not been what it had… then it was likely Haldir would not have fallen in love with Dorvane after all because Dorvane would have been a man that would not have been worthy of love. Nodding for a moment and thinking about Haldir’s reaction that day when a villager had mentioned that they knew their world was moving on because the steward of Gondor’s brother was being married. Dorvane had always known who Faramir was, Saruman had told him upon his capture and what a feather in Saruman’s cap it had been capturing the young Ranger. Haldir’s reaction had seemed to be surprise but also a sort of relief. He had thought that knowing the man was married would keep Haldir from wanting this… this need to see the man again but clearly that was not the case. “When the harvest season is over… then we should make plans to go to Gondor.”
Haldir lifted his head and looked at Dorvane in surprise. “Really?” What he was asking – no, needing to do – had to hurt Dorvane, and that was the last thing Haldir ever wanted to do. But Haldir himself felt so guilty over falling in love with Dorvane, though from what he’d heard, by the time he had, Faramir was already in love with an Elf from Mirkwood himself.
Haldir was where, and with whom, he was supposed to be with, and he had the feeling Faramir was as well. Still… he needed to say goodbye to his Ranger. “You do not have to go if it will be too difficult. I just… I just want a moment to say goodbye to him properly, since when he left, he had no idea I was the reason he was leaving. He went to sleep one night as my lover, and woke up the next morning alone. I just want him to understand why.”
Dorvane nodded, trying his best to be understanding, even though the very idea broke his heart. His fear was that Haldir and Faramir will see one another and remember the love they had that Dorvane had been so jealous of then and Haldir would leave him. Rings or no, Faramir’s marriage or no, what if what they had in those three short months was more powerful? The very idea killed him to think of but even worse was letting Haldir go alone, the trip would take weeks and not knowing if his lover was returning to him would surely drive him insane.
“I will go with you… I will not interfere if that is your worry I just… I don’t wish to be parted from you for that long,” Dorvane said not elaborating on all the reasons why.
Slipping down beneath the covers, Haldir urged Dorvane to lie beside him. He wrapped both arms around his lover, relieved that they would be going, relieved that Dorvane would go as well, but at the same time worried that there might be an ugly confrontation between his former lover and his present one. “I am not worried that you’ll interfere,” he answered honestly, his words almost lost in the darkness. “I am worried that someone, possibly even Faramir, might not understand at first, and say something to hurt you.”
Dorvane was tense but tried to relax into Haldir’s embrace as he slid down into the bed. “I do not worry about what he might say I’m more worried that as the brother of the steward he’ll have me hanged or worse,” Dorvane admitted. “I know what I was, love, and if I were in his or any of the others shoes I’d likely want that sort of vengeance.”
Their bodies curled together, legs entangled, dark against light, and Haldir hugged Dorvane fiercely. “You know that I love you, don’t you, guren? That no matter what, you are the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with?”
Dorvane curled closer to his lover and sighed softly. He wasn’t sure how to answer exactly. He had moments where he was certain of the love they shared, even more so after Haldir had given him his ring and his promise but there were some moments where he still feared that Haldir didn’t love him the way that he loved the Ranger. “And I love you and want forever with you,” he said avoiding the question.
Haldir pulled away and tilted Dorvane’s chin up until their gazes met, knowing full well that his lover hadn’t answered his question. But, he did have a point. Faramir could order him hanged or killed on sight. Should Haldir have to choose between them… Gods. It would kill him, and Faramir would be within his rights, but Haldir couldn’t bear the thoughts of anyone, even Faramir, harming the man Dorvane had become. “I gave my life to you to save his then, and I will give it to save yours if he or his guards try to harm you,” he said softly. “Faramir is a good man… he will listen to me, will listen to reason, and he will understand. I am sure of it.” His fingers traveled slowly over his lover’s face. “As for the rest… you are my future, Dorvane. Whether you believe that or not, I promise, I have never loved anyone the way I love you, and I never will.”
Looking into Haldir’s eyes, Dorvane could see he was telling the truth or at least what Haldir truly believed but Dorvane worried would that feeling change upon seeing the Ranger again? Despite his turn around since Saruman’s death, Dorvane had done horrible things in his life, horrible things to Haldir himself… so he still worried that the Elf might prefer a life without… reminders. “I hope he will listen and it doesn’t come to anyone having to put their life on the line… but I will go with you. I will stay out of the way and let the two of you talk or… or do whatever it is you feel you need to do. Then… if… when we return here together we can work on that porch you wanted to build,” Dorvane said, still fearing Haldir would not return with him.
Taking Dorvane’s face between his hands, Haldir refused to let his lover look away. “There is no ‘if’ about us returning,” he said firmly. “Our life is here. Faramir’s life is in Gondor. When we get back, we will build that porch and the shed out back to store everything, and…” He shifted his hips and smiled when the bed squeaked loudly. “We should probably build a new bed while we’re at it…”
Dorvane looked into Haldir’s serious blue eyes and nodded just a little. “All right,” he whispered and then smiled. “I like the squeaky bed actually,” he added and leaned forward to kiss his lover. “Forgive me for being scared of losing you but… you are everything to me, Haldir. Everything.”
Haldir moved forward and kissed Dorvane deeply. “I wish you could see into my heart,” he whispered, brushing back the hair from his lover’s forehead, “I wish you could know that there is nothing and no one on the face of Arda that could ever make me stop loving you.”
Taking a deep breath after their kiss, Dorvane offered a small smile. “Good… because nothing could ever make me stop loving you either,” he said softly. Only time itself would tell once they went to Gondor but at the very least he felt just a little more confident. He curled his arms around Haldir and pulled him even closer. “You’ve found out what turns me into the biggest coward you could ever know… the thought of losing you. You know that don’t you? Sometimes I worry that I’ll wake up and discover this has all been a wonderful dream… but nothing but a dream.” His words were whispered softly as his fingers moved gently through Haldir’s hair.
“Sometimes I feel the same way,” Haldir said softly. “That I am simply back in my cell, unconscious or drugged, and that you are still trapped inside Saruman’s spells. But then I remember the look in your eyes when you said you had no wish to hurt me, and the smile on your face when you accidentally spilled water all over me… and the way you make me feel when we make love, and I realize it’s all real, it’s all true.” He buried his face in soft hair and closed his eyes, savoring the scent he loved so dearly. “Would it help if I told you that what we have now was worth the eight years I spent in that cell? That I would do it all over again a thousand times if it meant I could be here with you like this?”
“Please, please no. I feel guilty every day for what I did even if it was under Saruman’s control I feel guilty. I hated myself, hated who I was… hated what I did. I would never want to see you go through that again, I know at the time I had no choice and no real conscious control over myself till the end but… I would never want you to go through that again even for what we share now,” Dorvane whispered softly and rested his head against Haldir’s. It was painful to even think of all he’d put Haldir through along with the others.
“I would do it willingly,” Haldir protested, letting his hands move over Dorvane’s back and neck, soothing him as best he could. “This is everything to me… you are everything to me, and a trip to Gondor will not change that.” He pressed a finger against soft lips and shook his head. “No more guilt, guren. You put yours behind you and I will put mine, for betraying Faramir’s trust, behind me. Then there will be nowhere to go but forward… just the two of us.” He could tell Dorvane was still agitated, so he kept caressing his back and arms, working out knotted muscles. “Now let’s plan what else we need to do to this house when we return. Do you think a small talan out back might be a nice addition as well?”
Dorvane started to speak but Haldir stopped him and began to rub his tense neck, shoulders and back… making him feel loved beyond measure just as he said he was. He smiled a little when Haldir spoke of the plans for their home. “A talan would be perfect… especially in the spring and summer,” he said softly. “You know I’ve never been in one… I know what they look like but never been in one,” he said happy to change the subject.
Haldir carefully steered their conversation away from Faramir and Gondor and Dorvane’s fears. He knew without a doubt that he would be returning here to live – and die – beside Dorvane. He only hoped that one day soon, Dorvane would believe that as well.
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I love all your stories! Thanks for the new one.
— Macheil Thursday 8 January 2009, 15:38 #