Faramir Fiction Archive

Darkness and Light (NC-17)

Written by Sairalinde and Anorienbean

11 August 2009 | 145537 words

Chapter 16

Normally Dorvane’s skin was a soft shade of bronze but after any time with Saruman as he’d spent today being punished for things that weren’t even in his control as a slave master he was as pale as snow and felt equally as cold. His body ached everywhere at once but most of all his wrists and arms bore the brunt of the pain. Normally he would only return to his rooms for a few moments to clean up and then he would head to the slave quarters and begin choosing his quarry for that night and the next day and perhaps even the next to alleviate the pain he felt. He debated with himself now, he could not return to his chambers and hurt Haldir and he could not go to the slave quarters as he was now. They would see too much and he would lose the edge of control he had over them.

When he arrived before the door, yet again he debated with himself, but he was so tired, he needed a moment and Gods he needed to change clothing. This was why he wore black all the time.Saruman’s visits forced him to do that. His arm hurt almost unbearably as he tried to lift it to open the door, but he just managed to do so, pushing it carefully open as he gritted his teeth in pain.

It was late, much later than Haldir had expected Dorvane to be, but he’d been true to his word and kept the water warm and the dinner waiting. He heard somewhat unsteady footsteps making their way down the hallway and stood, and by the time the door began to open, he was on the other side, opening it himself. He was shocked at the sight that met his eyes and cried out softly as he automatically reached for Dorvane who looked like he was ready to simply fall over and die right then and there.

Supporting him almost completely, Haldir led Dorvane over the bed and gently helped him lay down, biting his bottom lip as he noticed how quickly the sheets became dark with blood beneath his lover. Kneeling beside the bed, he carefully brushed sweat-slicked hair back from Dorvane’s pale face, surprised at how cool his skin felt. “How can I help you?” he asked softly. “Tell me what you need Dorvane. Tell me how to ease your pain.”

Dorvane cringed and bit back a yelp of pain when Haldir reached for him. Gods, it hurt to be touched.he imagined even breathing on him would hurt at the moment though. He felt dizzy and was grateful when Haldir helped lay him down on the bed. “There is nothing that can be done. Besides I would.think you would enjoy seeing me suffering like this, not offering to help after all I did to you over the years,” he murmured as he tried to regard Haldir from eyes narrowed with pain. It wasn’t exactly true. Something could be done but Dorvane wasn’t sure if he was ready to explain it to Haldir. What could he do anyway? He wasn’t about to take it out on Haldir who had all this time kept their bargain and been the perfect lover to him.

Even as Dorvane spoke, Haldir was carefully unlacing his tunic. He stopped before pushing it off broad shoulders, however, and frowned. “No, I do not enjoy seeing you suffer,” he said softly. His hands slid beneath Dorvane’s lower back and lifted him easily but gently, then started to push his shirt down, letting Dorvane’s head rest against his shoulder. It seemed most of the blood was coming from beneath the bands around his wrists, so he simply tore the rest of the shirt away, careful not to put any pressure on or around the bands as he continued to speak. “I want to help you, Dorvane, please… just tell me how. Seeing you like this brings me no pleasure at all. Do you not have healing herbs… or can you have a guard fetch some so I can make a salve or… tea… or… something?”

Shocked by Haldir’s words, Dorvane simply shook his head. This is why I hurt you and so many others. His tunic was still damp with sweat and blood and he tried to raise his hand to stop Haldir from removing his tunic but that only resulted in his crying out in pain. “It.I can try to fight it.but it takes.time,” he finally said though he knew his words would make little sense to Haldir. “There is nothing for it.Saruman’s magic.no salve or tea for it.” It wasn’t completely a lie, he wasn’t sure when that had started to matter to him. Lying was something he’d done for many years now but lying to Haldir in the last few months had become impossible for him.

Just as Haldir had expected, blood was welling from beneath the leather bands around Dorvane’s wrists and his hands were swollen and red, looking almost as if they’d been blistered from the heat, despite how pale the rest of his body was. Cursing Saruman under his breath, he finally threw the last bit of fabric in the floor and caught Dorvane’s face between his hands, forcing the man to look at him. “You are a terrible liar. There has to be something that can be done. I have never seen you in pain like this. Tell me what to do, Dorvane.”

“You will not like the answer,” Dorvane said softly as he looked into Haldir’s eyes. He saw the Elf set his jaw and start to argue again when Dorvane sighed heavily. “There is a way but.but I do not.I do not wish to do it. Normally I come back here first, manage to clean myself.and.and then go to the slave quarters. You see.when Saruman is angry as he was today.he.bleeds me using his magic and when I am almost done for, he sends me back here to either suffer for several days like this or go to the slave quarters and extract.blood for blood,” he whispered softly. “The more I make a slave bleed the less pain I have.”

Everything was making more sense day by day as Haldir learned more about Dorvane and his debt to Saruman. All the hatred he’d once held for Dorvane was now firmly and irretrievably directed toward the wizard. He was at a loss as to what to do and afraid to touch his lover’s arms, afraid to cause him even more pain. His hands moved soothingly over pale, clammy skin, brushing back Dorvane’s hair, offering all the comfort he could. “Blood for blood,” he said softly. “Does it have to be blood from a slave, or will blood from a lover work just as well? Tell me the truth Dorvane. Did you really think you could hide this from me?”

“I do not know,” Dorvane answered honestly. “I thought.” he paused as pain flared in his arms for a moment and winced. “I did debate with myself about it as I returned but I had not been able to make a decision. I thought perhaps I might be able to clean up and then go to the slaves.but.I do not want to hurt anyone, I.I know you will not believe me but I never did want to hurt anyone I.I just, I had to or.I would be like this for days at a time and unable to carry out my other tasks. The guards.if they saw this weakness they would mutiny and things here.would grow much worse for the slaves than they are now,” Dorvane explained softly. He’d never told Haldir any of this, had never admitted his weakness or his pain to anyone, the guards did not know of it, only Saruman knew and now Haldir.

Haldir’s eyes searched Dorvane’s face and he felt even worse for hating him so intensely for so many years, though he could not have known under what circumstances he had been operating. He leaned forward, pressed a soft kiss to pale lips and nodded. “I believe you,” he whispered. As he pulled away, he was already sitting up and looking around the room, his gaze finding the knife that lay beside the tray of cold meats sitting on the table for their dinner. Without waiting for Dorvane to say anything more, he crossed the room, grabbed the knife, and then crawled onto the bed, lying beside him. He slipped one arm beneath his lover’s head and the other around his waist, pulling him close even as he put the knife to his own palm. “Try and relax. Perhaps a lover’s blood will work even better than a slave’s.”

Dorvane’s eyes widened as soon as Haldir said the words and he was shaking his head almost violently. “No.no I said I would not hurt you and in these last months I have not.I have no desire to see you hurt to alleviate my pain. No, Haldir,” he whispered earnestly. At one time, yes, he would and had in fact used Haldir in the past for this very reason but not now.not since he discovered he was still capable of feeling things like love and laughter and joy.

“You are not hurting me,” Haldir murmured, seeing the panic in his lover’s eyes. He paused long enough to reach down and pull the blankets over them both, knowing Dorvane must be cold from losing so much blood, and then ripped the front of his own tunic open. Moving even closer, he reached between them and pressed bloodied hands against his chest, careful not to touch the wrists. He couldn’t explain what he was feeling, but the idea of Dorvane ‘bleeding’ someone else made him feel… out of sorts. “I want to do this. You are bleeding too much. You need blood. I… for some reason, I think it should be mine.”

“Should be yours?” Dorvane all but gasped the words shaking his head even as Haldir looked into his eyes so intently. He was appalled by the very idea but he couldn’t help but feel the love he felt for the Elf grow in his heart – an Elf he had treated so badly just months before. Tears made his vision blur but he blinked them away, yet another weakness he didn’t want Haldir to witness. “I.I cannot.it hurts too much to move and I just.I cannot do this to you. I am simply too weary.Saruman was very angry today, he lost control of the king of Rohan.Gandalf.defeated him.so even if I wanted to do this.I cannot.” He would suffer, Saruman would not let him die, no.he would just suffer for several days instead.

Wrapping the blanket more securely around them, Haldir nodded and reached around Dorvane again. Long dark hair was still spread over his left arm which was cradling Dorvane’s head and his right hand still held the blade. “Close your eyes, Dorvane. You have to do nothing.” With that, Haldir dug the end of the knife blade into his palm with his free hand. The blade was sharp and went deep, and the wound began to bleed at once. The blanket was soon as saturated with Haldir’s blood as the sheets were with Dorvane’s. “Is that helping at all?” the Elf whispered. “Or do you need someone besides me?”

“No.no, please no,” Dorvane said trying to fight Haldir on this but was truly too weak to put up any sort of fight. A part of the man wondered why the Elf hadn’t simply taken the opportunity to throttle him and escape. The Ranger’s life you fool.don’t ever forget that is why he would stay, why he is offering this now. He swallowed hard when Haldir asked him to close his eyes, he could see the stubborn set of his lover’s jaw and knew that Haldir could not be swayed. In resignation he did close his eyes, he could not watch, all these years of torturing prisoners and now he couldn’t watch his lover do this. He knew as soon as the blade had cut into tender flesh. He could feel the slightest edge off his pain and flinched slightly. “It is helping but I promised you no pain and now…”

Haldir slowly opened the cut a little more, careful to keep his face impassive despite the pain in his hand, just in case Dorvane peeked. The blood flowed even more freely and he worked his fingers, urging the crimson fluid to flow as quickly as possible. After a moment, he put the knife down and with his free hand began rubbing Dorvane’s side. “Shhh, it barely stings,” he lied, pressing his lips against his lover’s temple, watching his hand to make sure the blood didn’t slow. “And you are not hurting me. Not since I stepped inside these quarters have you hurt me, Dorvane. You have been true to your word, and I am offering this freely whenever you need it… though I hope you won’t need it often because I no matter what you think, I do not enjoy seeing you suffer. In fact… I hate it.”

Dorvane found it in him to actually snort when Haldir said his cut barely stung. “Now who is the terrible liar?” he grumbled, though he kept his eyes closed. Now he felt the smallest rush of coolness against his arms that took just the edge off the worst of his pain. With each drop that was spilled though, he felt his own wounds bleed less beneath the bands, it was happening faster than it ever had before. He had to open his eyes then, his worry for Haldir sending him almost into a panic. When he looked though.the cut was deep and bleeding profusely but.not what he expected based on the amount of relief he was feeling. Perhaps blood freely given instead of taken by force helped him more? Perhaps he was just losing his mind. He let his eyes close again, feeling horrible both physically and emotionally because Haldir had done this for him after all the terrible things he’d done to him over the years. “I am so sorry,” he whispered softly.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Haldir admonished sternly, though he wore a half smile on his face. He could see that Dorvane’s pain was diminishing with every passing moment, and was grateful. He hated to see anyone in pain, he reasoned, and Dorvane had been good to him since he had been his lover, so it only made sense that he didn’t want to see him suffer. The rational part of his mind refused to let him think any more along those lines, but he was unreasonably relieved as the man in his arms finally began to relax and breathe easier. “None of this is your fault, Dorvane. It is Saruman’s, and one day he is going to pay for what he has done to us all. For now, though, I want you to relax. When you are ready, I will bathe you and tuck you into bed if you will let me.”

“Oh but it is my fault.more than you know,” Dorvane murmured. His body was starting to relax more, he was surprised, often it took much more than this..even so he wished for Haldir to stop as soon as he could. Once he would feel strong enough to function at least he would make him stop. “Once I can sit up again.I want you to work on stopping the bleeding, please. It is always enough once I can at least tolerate it,” he explained. “And I would welcome a bath very much… thank you,” he whispered. “I know you say I have nothing to be sorry for.but I have so much. This.all of it was my own fault. I made a mistake and I pay for it often. I was truly a fool to have ever believed Saruman you know.I was so young and naive then,” he offered a sort of half laugh and sighed as he felt more pain leaving him.

“We all have made mistakes,” Haldir murmured, combing his fingers through dark hair. “I can lose a lot more blood than men, so I will stop it when you stop hurting… not just when you can tolerate it.” Before Dorvane could argue, Haldir dared to put his finger over his lover’s lips and shushed him. “Tonight, please, let me make the decisions. You were in so much pain only a few moments ago you could barely walk… so I’m asking you to trust me enough to think for us both, if only for a few hours.”

Dorvane was surprised when Haldir shushed him and simply stared at the Elf for a moment. Months ago the Elf wouldn’t dare do that; even a few weeks ago he didn’t think that Haldir would risk doing such a thing. He found himself smiling despite the pain. “I trust you,” he whispered. “And.I know everyone makes mistakes they just do not always make them as spectacularly as I have,” he whispered, wincing a little as one of his arms began to sting as it normally did when he was starting to heal. He saw the look Haldir was giving him and offered a small grin. “You never thought I would ever admit to something like making a mistake did you?”

Haldir smiled in response and shook his head. “No, I honestly never dreamed you would.” He regarded Dorvane in silence for a moment, his uninjured hand still brushing lightly across Dorvane’s forehead. “Will you tell me about it? About your mistake, and about… about what he does to you when he is angry?”

Dorvane nodded. He knew this conversation would come sooner or later, and closed his eyes for a moment trying to think of the best place to start. “My father was a wealthy man, a well respected merchant in Gondor. When I was but a boy he made an arrangement with another business man who had a daughter. We were betrothed, even though we had never met before. As you already know.my.preference for a partner is not female,” he began and then paused for a moment. “I was young when my father decided I had ‘come of age’ and she was even younger than I was.just a teenager really. I already had a lover.I cared for him a great deal though I do not think I was in love with him, I did love him. He had been my first in so many ways. Anyway.her father brought her to Gondor and we were to be married. She found me pleasing enough I suppose, at least she said so.but then everything went horribly wrong.” He stopped at that point to shift slightly on the bed, his body still aching.

Nodding, Haldir looked away only a moment to hold open the wounds on his hands to keep the blood flowing, even as he imagined Dorvane as a young man, committed to a relationship he didn’t want. “Go on,” he encouraged, still touching his lover in all the ways he knew he liked, doing his best to keep Dorvane relaxed and focused on something besides the pain.

Haldir’s gentle touches made it easier for him to continue not to mention the fact that he pain was slowly ebbing away. “I knew that I would be getting married within a week and I had made a promise to myself that even though I wasn’t particularly attracted to women or even to her.I would be a good husband. I would not cheat on her and I would not make her feel lacking, as was my duty both to her and my father. But I wanted one last night with my lover. I did not expect what happened next. I was certain I would have this one last night with a man and then that would be it. But she had decided to visit my room before the wedding.and she caught us. She came there with grand notions I guess of seducing me before the wedding night only to find me with him. She was beyond angry. I have never witnessed someone behave that way,” Dorvane shook his head and looked up at Haldir for a long moment.

“Was she more angry that you were with someone else… or with another man?” Haldir asked, letting his hand move tentatively from Dorvane’s face down to this shoulders where he began massaging pain-tensed muscles when there was no protest.

“She was not upset I was cheating on her, she was upset because it was with a man. She even went to our fathers and they laughed at her, only making her feelings of being insulted even worse. They called her childish and even her own father said she was too sheltered. I felt bad for her actually and went to her to apologize and promise that I would never take a lover man or woman while we were wed and she practically threw me out of the room saying that she would never allow someone as perverse as me to touch her. I thought she might calm down eventually but.rather than marry me.she threw herself off the watchtower,” he stopped speaking then and closed his eyes at the memories. “She would rather die than marry me.and then.then we discovered why. The man I had been with.my lover.she had killed him with the small bow my own father had given her as part of her wedding gift so we could hunt together.”

Haldir’s eyes filled with unshed tears as Dorvane spoke. So much pain, so much suffering, only because he wanted one last night with his lover. On top of the torture, there was no wonder he had been a cold, cruel man for most of the time Haldir had known him… living with both emotional and physical pain changes a man, not to mention Saruman’s bitter influence and his wicked spells. He took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice steady, but it wavered a bit as he spoke. “And that’s when you met Saruman, isn’t it? Somehow he found you at your weakest hour and manipulated you into helping him do his bidding.”

Dorvane nodded as the memory of that night flooded back. “He found me at my absolute weakest, Haldir. These bands,” he paused and slowly turned his arms over, “these bands cover my greatest shame. That night I felt I had nothing to live for. My lover was dead, my betrothed chose murder and death over me.I was broken and lost and felt it was all my fault for being.being who I was. So I ran away and late that night I attempted to take my own life and almost succeeded. As my blood pooled around me in the forest the wizard found me.he used his magic to bind the wounds and told me he would save my life and give me a duty to work for him.something to live for he’d said.and I took him up on the offer. He lied.”

“You were upset, confused… I understand how you must have felt,” Haldir said softly. “I am glad you were found, for you were not to blame for their deaths, but, gods, I wish someone – anyone – else had found you. You had – and have – so much to live for Dorvane. There has to be a way to break his control over you, a way to make him stop hurting you like this.”

“Only his death and I have a notion that his death would mean mine as well.it is the way he is, he makes sure that there are guarantees that his creations cannot kill him though with me.perhaps he did not make that concession after all when he found me I wished for death.it is hard to say and in recent months I have to admit,” he paused and smiled as he looked up at Haldir, “I no longer have a wish for death.”

Haldir returned Dorvane’s smile, though his hatred and desire for revenge on Saruman grew tenfold. He could so easily see the man Dorvane had been… and could still be if Saruman were dead. A good man, a kind man, one who deserved to be happy and cared for and loved by someone who would cherish him for all the goodness Saruman had tried to take from him for so long now. “Well that is a good thing, since I have no intention of letting you die,” he said as he slipped carefully of the bed again and pressed a kiss to Dorvane’s lips. The kisses, he told himself, were all part of ‘playing’ the part of the lover, but somehow, especially over the last few hours, they had gone from being expected and formerly demanded tokens of affections to a bit more, though Haldir hadn’t even realized that yet.

“Your pain has lessened… can you stand the water if we take that bath now? I want to make sure you aren’t still bleeding and with so much blood already… it is difficult to tell.”

Dorvane felt his heart warm in his chest when Haldir kissed him so sweetly. He had much less pain now and nodded. “I feel much better, talking to you.finally telling someone about my past actually took my mind off of the pain for a bit,” he whispered. “I think a bath would be perfect, it will warm me and I hate feeling this blood on my skin.” He sat up slowly with Haldir’s help and took his uninjured hand weakly. “I cannot thank you enough for helping me, Haldir.you had no reason to.” He was still surprised that Haldir would even offer his own blood for him, surprised the Elf was caring for him at all. He knew that it wasn’t entirely genuine of course the Elf was playing his part but even that knowledge did not seem to drown out the warmth Dorvane felt from his gestures and sweet words.

“You are not a bad man, Dorvane,” Haldir smiled, seeing that the recently tortured man was in no position to walk. He quickly undressed, then carefully lifted his lover as easily as a man would lift a child and carried him across to the bath, where he stepped in and slowly sat down, settling Dorvane in his lap for a change. “You do not have to thank me for caring, you know, or for not wanting to see you in pain. I understand now why you did some of the things you did, but I think now that those were the acts of Saruman, not you… not the real you.”

“Perhaps I am not a bad man, but I have done bad things, Haldir, you of all people know this,” Dorvane said softly. “There were times.when I found myself enjoying what I did too and that I will always despise myself for.” When the rest of what Haldir had said sunk in though Dorvane simply stared at the Elf. You do not have to thank me for caring. How could he care about him after all he’d done or even not done in the last eight years. How could just the last few months make up for all of that? “I do not speak the words often because I know you do not love me in return but I do love you, Haldir and you have no idea how much it means to me that you.that you care at all.”

Haldir looked down as the water around them already began turning dark with Dorvane’s blood, uncertain of how to respond. He took the washcloth that lay folded over the side and began dripping water over crimson-colored arms, unsure if the burns or blisters were still there or of they too had healed. “If my heart were free to give away, Dorvane, I could possibly forget the last eight years, and simply remember the least few months, but…” He didn’t want to talk about Faramir, not like this. Slowly he met Dorvane’s gaze and traced his fingertips along the line of his jaw and neck as he spoke. “Dorvane, I… I belong to you, you know. For as long as you draw breath, or as long as you want me, I will be your lover, and I will care for you,… and not only because I promised to. I do truly and honestly care about the man that Saurman does not control, the man who is not cruel or cold, the man who laughs and smiles and tells the guards that they need to bathe. I will take care of you in every way I know how, and I will always, always ease the pain both in your body and your heart if it is within my power to do so.”

Dorvane frowned at how much blood was in the water with them, even as the warmth of it both felt good and hurt at the same time. He tried to relax against his lover and for a moment he felt badly when Haldir spoke of his heart not being free. He knew Haldir’s heart belonged to the Ranger he’d set free.and it appeared that was never going to change. “I need you and I want you here with me,” he whispered. Deep down he knew that he should let Haldir go, but he could not. Even if he could make himself give up this Elf he loved, he still could not release him. Haldir had made a contract with Saruman not him.Saruman held Haldir’s fate just as he held Dorvane’s. He closed his eyes and rested his head against Haldir’s shoulder, a gesture that was unusual between them, something usually Haldir did to him. “I am so tired.”

Haldir smiled and pressed a kiss against Dorvane’s temple, then rested his cheek against his the top of his head. “I know,” he said softly. “It has been a long day, and one I hope you never have to relive. Rest, mellonamin. I will take care of you.” The water was still warm and relaxing, the wound on his hand had stopped bleeding, and his lover was leaning more and more heavily against him. He continued wringing the washcloth out over each of Dorvane’s arms, and then gently wiped his face and neck until no trace of blood was left and Dorvane’s arms looked almost normal again. By the time he was finished, Dorvane was snoring softly against him. Haldir rinsed the blood off his own hand and stood, being careful not to wake the man who was and always would be his master and his lover, and the man he now looked upon as a friend. He changed the water, washed them both again, then sat down on the small stool beside the tub and dried them both, realizing that the man must truly be exhausted, because he never once stirred.

When they were dry, he carefully laid Dorvane on the rug in front of the fire and quickly stripped and remade the bed with fresh sheets, only now realizing why there were so many blankets underneath – to catch the blood. Moments later, he picked his lover up and gently tucked him in bed, then spooned up against his back. One arm slipped beneath Dorvane’s head as a pillow and the other slid around his waist, pulling him closer. Without thinking, his fingers found and entangled with the now thankfully warm fingers curled protectively up against Dorvane’s chest. The Elf held the sleeping form against him before placing a soft kiss at the base of his lover’s neck, just beneath his hair line. With that, he sighed softly and closed his eyes, falling to sleep only moments later.

Dorvane was completely oblivious to what Haldir was doing for a time, he’d fallen asleep in the tub, completely exhausted but once Haldir had taken him out of the tub and lifted him to carry him to the bed, Dorvane came awake but only slightly. His eyes opened to mere slits for a moment as he marveled at the way the Elf cared for him so gently. He wasn’t trying to spy on him really, but he was curious all the same. Haldir did seem to count him as a friend now at the very least as he tended him so gently. He started to fall back into an exhausted slumber by the time Haldir had joined him in front of the fire but his eyes fluttered slightly when he felt the warmth of Haldir’s kiss. It seemed to light a darkness within him, opening him and thawing the ice that had formed around his heart so long ago. He smiled the smallest of smiles. I love you. He thought the words silently as he had slipped back to sleep.

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