Faramir Fiction Archive

Because of You (NC-17)

Written by Sairalinde and Anorienbean

24 December 2008 | 98532 words

Chapter 7

Gandalf blinked several times as Haldir spoke, his heart breaking for Faramir, yet finding himself amused by the Elf fighting against what he felt for the young man. It was obvious that Faramir’s pain bothered Haldir, but not because he was annoyed by it, because he didn’t know how to make it better. For a moment Gandalf had a sense that if Haldir could walk into the fires of Mount Doom itself to retrieve Boromir for the young man, he would most likely do it. And not just to make him stop crying.

Faramir didn’t flinch away when Haldir all put petted him like a favored dog; he craved the touch too much for that. Forcing himself to try to stop crying though seemed a fruitless effort, the pain was just still too real and too close for that.

“I cannot make him not mourn his brother’s death, Haldir. He loved him dearly… if you feel the need to walk with me… that is fine. I will ask someone else to sit with Faramir for a time,” Gandalf said softly.

“No… I do not want anyone else…” Faramir spoke up, looking at both the Elf and the wizard. “I… can I have a glass of water?”

Haldir flew across the room and stood in the doorway demanding water from anyone who happened to be passing by so quickly, even his fellow Elves would have been a bit shocked. This he could do. But otherwise… Gods, what he had gotten himself into? And how? The thoughts of staying made him weak in the knees… he simply didn’t know how to handle the situation but… the thought of someone else staying made him angry. And besides that, Faramir didn’t want anyone else. So exactly where did that leave him? His demands had resulted in him still standing in the doorway only a moment later holding – barely- 5 cups of water. Realizing he could wait no longer, he crossed back over to Faramir, offered him all five cups, and glared once again at Gandalf. “Might I have a word with you in the hallway?”

Haldir’s reaction to Faramir’s rather meek request for water was so unexpected and so amusing that Gandalf had a very difficult time not bursting with laughter. He looked at Faramir for a moment who also seemed perplexed by the Elf’s behavior but still so sad about his brother’s death that it did not seem to phase him… or… Faramir was growing used to Haldir’s unusual behavior. Because in the few visits he’d made to the room Haldir had been behaving unusually.

Gandalf squeezed Faramir’s hand and then released it so he could take one of the many cups Haldir sat on the night table and nodded in answer to the Elf’s request. “Again… I am sorry, Faramir,” Gandalf said as he made his way for the door.

Faramir merely took a drink of the water and nodded slightly. He didn’t know what to think or feel at the moment, his heart just ached.

Standing in the hallway, pacing much as he had been only moments before, Haldir shook his head at Gandalf as soon as he closed the door behind him. “What have you done? I cannot stay with him like that. I will have to… to leave. Or find some other Elf or Man to… no. I … by the gods, Gandalf, did you have to tell him about his brother? Could you not have let him find out when he gets home or… something?”

Gandalf shook his head as Haldir paced before him. “He will not be like this forever you know… he is just grieving… he was very close to Boromir and he needed to know what happened to him. I will be delivering the news to his father… do you think that will be any easier? Your eldest is dead; your youngest almost died… not exactly news a father wishes to hear. Your duty is to stay with him… yes I know all about it, and you’ll figure out a way to comfort him… just your presence comforts him or did you not realize that?”

Haldir almost rolled his eyes at Gandalf’s words. “My presence comforts no one,” he snapped. “And as far as telling Faramir’s father? At least you can do it and leave… while I am stuck here wondering how to make him stop doing… that.” Even as he spoke, he heard a soft sob come from inside the room and fought the urge to simply run back to Faramir and do… —something—. “Gandalf, please. I was ordered to keep him safe, not to offer him… comfort or whatever it is he needs. I will only make things worse!”

Gandalf sighed and looked at the distraught Elf. “You do comfort him… why do you think he only wants you? And seeing how you were kissing him right before I came into the room, one would think you would have no problem in offering him at least something to take his mind off his pain,” the old wizard was unable to keep from laughing just a little when Haldir gave him first a shocked then a very annoyed look.

Raising his chin indignantly, Haldir put on his most arrogant smirk and looked down his nose at Gandalf. “For your information, he was kissing me.” The thought was intriguing though, and he quickly forgot his haughtiness in favor of this plan. His entire demeanor relaxed just a bit as he looked uncertainly back toward the door. “If I kiss him, then… or let him kiss me – then he will stop crying?”

Gandalf raised an eyebrow as Haldir ‘informed’ him, thinking that it would be very difficult for a man in Faramir’s shape to force Haldir to kiss him. “It may… and it may bring him comfort… just putting your arm around him or taking his hand in yours as I did with him can offer comfort, Haldir… I know you are not particularly a… compassionate soul but I can see that Faramir… touches something in you that you wish was not there. Do not be afraid of that feeling… I can assure you it is something worth exploring,” Gandalf said somewhat cryptically. “Now, I must go, I have a long ride ahead of me and it seems I’ll be taking a hobbit along with me… take care of yourself and of him.”

Put your arm around him. Hold his hand. Remember that. Haldir made mental notes as Gandalf spoke, then shook his head. “I am not afraid of anything,” he growled, brushing past the wizard as he made his way back to the door. “And good riddance. I will be stuck here cleaning up the mess you made, Gandalf. Do not think I will forgot this anytime soon…” With that, he was walking back inside the room, looking cautiously toward the bed, praying to the Valar that somehow Faramir had simply stopped crying while he had been in the hallway.

Gandalf had to put his hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh as Haldir went back into the room, growling and grumbling the entire time.

Faramir had no idea what was discussed outside the room and found it strange how he suddenly felt warmer again when Haldir returned. He was still quietly crying but not sobbing nearly as bad as he had before. His head hurt from it though and he felt tired and sad. “Thank you for… the water,” Faramir murmured trying to come up with anything to break the silence that seemed to suck the air out of the room as Haldir looked at him. He felt… as if Haldir thought crying was childish and he wiped at his eyes.

Haldir stood by the bed, hands clasped before him, regarding Faramir as most men would regard an Ent when they first saw one. “You are welcome.” He stood a moment longer, took a deep breath, and sat on the bed beside his charge, careful not to jar him. He remembered everything Gandalf had said, and though he really didn’t understand how his suggestions would help, he was desperate to make Faramir stop crying. One hand reached down, the fingers wrapping rather awkwardly around Faramir’s (rather as if he were holding a dead fish) as the other slipped around his shoulders. Before the young man could respond, Haldir was kissing him, ignoring his tears and runny nose, kissing him just like he had on so many occasions before. When he pulled back, he was quite pleased with himself, and rather startled to see the look on Faramir’s face. He was quite surprised to see that the Ranger wasn’t smiling and happy now. “You… are still upset? But… why??? Gandalf said that would comfort you!”

Faramir watched Haldir for a moment, not quite understanding what he was doing. In the days since he’d awoken, Haldir had never really sat on the bed unless it was to kiss him or to change his bandages. He was silently surprised when Haldir took his hand, though it seemed the Elf was holding something disgusting rather than a potential lover’s hand. When a stiff arm wrapped around his shoulders he looked up at Haldir and then found himself captured in a deep kiss that stole his breath away. It was somewhat awkward though… almost felt a little forced though still pleasurable. When they drew apart again he stared with wide still tear-dampened eyes at the Elf. “I…” Faramir blinked when Haldir said Gandalf said it would comfort him. His tears were still running down his face but he found himself laughing just a little. “He told you… well… it does comfort me, Haldir,” he smiled then. Faramir squeezed Haldir’s hand in his own just a little, genuinely touched that Haldir was so concerned with offering him comfort.

Haldir, a bit surprised when he felt long fingers squeezing his own, relaxed a bit. So he had done it right, and Faramir was smiling a bit… maybe the crying was over? Thanking the gods, he nodded eagerly and smiled himself. “Good. Shall I do it again, or are you better now?”

Faramir smiled a little, even though Haldir still seemed a bit stiff. “Aye, but you do not have to unless you want to,” he said softly and then leaned against Haldir, resting his head against a strong shoulder. “This is just fine… you holding me, if you do not mind,” he whispered as he relaxed against the Elf. He was still hurting, both his heart and his injury but it seemed less so when Haldir was close. He smiled a little at that thought and sniffled. “It hurts less when you are near… I cannot explain why, it is just… how it is.”

“Men find Elves soothing,” Haldir added wisely, though he felt a strange warmth inside him that he was somehow helping. Having Faramir this close made the muscles in his back and arms relax a bit, and he leaned back onto the pillow, relieved that at least those same heartbreaking sobs weren’t filling the room as they had before. He wasn’t sure about this ‘holding’ thing, but it seemed Faramir had already settled against him quite comfortably, and he didn’t want to disturb him. “Am I doing this correctly? The… holding part?”

Faramir offered a small smile. “This Man finds this Elf soothing at least,” he murmured softly and was touched when Haldir began to idly toy with his hair. He was actually surprised by Haldir’s question. “Aye, you are doing it correctly… have you never held someone before? Your brothers or a comrade or lover?” Faramir asked, his curiosity for the moment overriding his sadness.

Haldir smiled, and then shook his head. “Why would I hold someone?” he asked, thinking that while the idea itself wasn’t all that appealing, just sitting here with Faramir leaning against him wasn’t a bad feeling in the least. “My brothers hold each other, I have never touched a comrade in such a manner, (he shivered in distaste at the very idea) and a lover… of course I have not held a lover. They do what they are paid for, then leave. I have never wished, nor desired, to hold anyone before.” His brow furrowed, and he thought that maybe, just maybe, he spent entirely too much time alone on patrol. “Do you think this is why, despite my skills at kissing and in bed, I am still alone? That I should have tried to hold someone before?”

Faramir looked up in shock. At first he’d thought that Haldir was somewhat joking when he said he paid for sex but now…“Haldir, I… I find it difficult to believe you’ve never had a… well… a lover you’ve not paid for, I mean… well I’ve made it clear that I would if I were not hurt I’m sure we would have… well… we would have been using this lumpy bed for more than my sleeping and healing, of that I’m certain,” he said softly and tried not to sigh. “I do not know why you are alone… because… because I like you… quite a lot in fact. The only thing I can think of is perhaps it is because you will not let anyone get close to you… you would not be here now if you had not been ordered to watch over me… and if my crying had not distressed you so, you would not be holding me now.”

Silence filled the room after Faramir spoke, because Haldir had no idea how to respond. It took him a moment to find the words he wanted to say so as not to embarrass himself. “I… Faramir, I have spent most of my life out on patrol. I work alone, and I have never had the time nor the patience to have a… a relationship. I seem to lack the social skills necessary to pursue someone, let alone keep them interested.” He sighed, still playing with Faramir’s hair, which was a step forward in itself, one of the very rare moments he had actually touched another being in a nonsexual way just for the pleasure of it. “And, while you are correct that I am only here because I was ordered to be, that is only because the only other place I had rather be is in battle – and you know the reason for that. If it makes any difference, however, while I never would have come up with the idea of holding you, I do not find it unpleasant.”

Faramir smiled and looked up at Haldir, his tears all but dry now. “I find it more than pleasant,” he whispered softly and brushed his lips gently against Haldir’s. “I also do not think you give yourself enough credit, I… like your company. Or perhaps my standards are just very low,” he paused for a moment but couldn’t help but smile letting Haldir know he was merely teasing.

Haldir returned Faramir’s smile and nibbled on his bottom lip for a moment. “You are an odd man, Faramir,” he said softly. “You foolishly almost lost your life trying to save an Elf who did not want to be saved, you argue with me over every little thing, you cry, and you have these strange ideas about wanting to be held and liking me.” He pulled away, frowned as he stared at the Ranger’s handsome face, and thoughtfully let the tip of his index finger trail over the smooth curve of Faramir’s jawline. “I should hate you. But… I do not.” That was as far as he was willing to go at the moment, but it was, nevertheless a difficult admission for the Elf who had never played with his brothers, never touched them, never even told them he loved them, even when he was an Elfling. He didn’t understand what he was feeling, exactly, only that it made him quite uncomfortable, and he would have moved away had Faramir not been resting against him so comfortably.

Faramir did agree with Haldir, he had been deemed odd often enough in his life, because of his visions and Haldir’s words made him smile rather than be angry or hurt. He tipped his head slightly, leaning into the Elf’s touch and closed his eyes for a moment. “Not hating me is a good place to start I suppose,” Faramir whispered and looked up at Haldir. “And you are right… even other men find me strange so why would an Elf be any different? At least you have more reason than rumors of my visions… though the one vision I should have had… I did not,” he frowned thinking of Boromir’s death. He only saw it after Gandalf began to speak, he had felt strange, had known something was wrong days ago but could not make out what it was. If he was going to have the ability to see then he should at least be able to see clearly! He sighed and looked up at Haldir, seeing how nervous the Elf still was about whatever was happening between them. “Are you worried about actually… having a friend or real lover that you do not pay?”

Haldir couldn’t help but wonder why other men found Faramir strange, but decided that it was really none of his business. Instead, he gave the question some thought and finally nodded. “Aye. I would not – and do not know how to act. But I suppose that as long as we both understand that we can have a physical, but not emotional relationship, I could learn to accept it. Seeing as how I will be going to the Halls of Mandos shortly after I leave you in Gondor, it is best not to make things more complicated than they have to be, don’t you think?”

Looking at Haldir for a long time, Faramir sighed. He hated the idea that Haldir still wished to die but he did not know how to change his mind. “Why do emotions bother you? Like my crying over my brothers death? Have you never loved anyone that when they hurt, you hurt? What of your parents?” Faramir asked curiously. He could accept a physical relationship but he knew himself well enough to know that his own emotions would be involved… they already were to a degree. He liked Haldir a great deal and if he were honest with himself he wanted to keep the Elf not only alive… but with him.

“I have never loved anyone that I can recall,” Haldir said softly, in a tone he had never used before with anyone. “My parents sent me off for training when I was very young, far from the Golden Wood. They wanted me to be a Marchwarden, and to study, to be the best and the smartest in all of Lórien. I was away for over a hundred years, and when I returned… my brothers had been born, come of age, fallen in love with each other, and my parents had been killed. Lord Celeborn did not know what to do with me, so he assigned me a talan, duties and a post… and it has been the only life I have ever known.” He frowned again and let his fingers drop from Faramir’s hair. “So yes, emotions bother me. I do not have them, want them, or need them.”

Hearing Haldir’s voice that way… the Elf actually sounded vulnerable at first before he seemed to steel his voice. Faramir watched him for a moment silently, feeling the warmth inside him fade when Haldir dropped his hand away from him. “Everyone has emotions, you have just been trained… to keep yours on a very tight reign I think. All soldiers are taught to fight with their heart and their mind but not their emotions because they can cause you to make mistakes. Mistakes that can be deadly to yourself or your brothers in arms… but if you had no emotions at all… you would not care that I cried at all or want to even attempt to comfort me. You have kindness in you Haldir, that you probably do not realize is there… but it is there… one just has to get past the somewhat prickly surface to find them. Perhaps if I were not a captive audience and you were not ordered to stay we would not be talking at all,” Faramir smiled when thoughts of a cactus coming to mind. They were covered in thorns on the outside but inside they were quite soft.

Haldir’s face colored a faint shade of pink as Faramir spoke and he was already shaking his head before the assessment of him had ended. “You… you were simply making my head hurt with the ridiculous sobbing,” he lied rather lamely. “And I was afraid you might hurt yourself even worse and we would never get to Gondor.” The words weren’t true at all, but they were what he would normally say, and especially in this situation, Haldir felt safer on familiar ground. He tried to extricate himself from the bed, but found that his bedmate seemed to have no intention of moving. “I think we should take a nap. It has been a long and rather unpleasant day, don’t you think? I should get back to my cot or…”

Faramir wasn’t sure if he believed Haldir’s words completely. He had seemed too bothered than it simply making his head hurt since he hadn’t been sobbing that loudly. He tightened his hand around Haldir’s though not letting him leave the bed. Not really wishing for Haldir to move away from him, Faramir looked up at him. “A nap is probably a good idea… but I would… would like you to stay if you do not mind. I know this is not the largest most comfortable bed, but I said that having you close made the pain lessen and that much is true,” he whispered.

One eyebrow rose slightly as Haldir stopped trying to move away. “You mean… you would like me to sleep here with you?” He didn’t understand why – a perfectly good cot lay close by, and Faramir was right… the bed wasn’t large or comfortable. But, he reasoned, if it physically eased Faramir’s pain, then he supposed he could manage, if only for a few hours. “I… suppose I could do that if it helps… where would you like me to lay? At the end of the bed or … ?”

Faramir smiled and carefully scooted over a bit more. “Right here next to me,” he whispered. “Besides you are warm and make me feel… safe and next to me you are in a convenient place,” Faramir said and saw the questioning look in Haldir’s eyes. “For a kiss or two sometime… they seem to always make me feel better.” His heart was still heavy of course, but sparring verbally or even talking with Haldir had lightened it some and it was true, the Elf’s kisses seemed designed to make Faramir forget his every worry.

Haldir slid down on the bed a bit; carefully tightening his embrace and without knowing it, snuggled closer. “I am not surprised that you are addicted to my kisses,” he teased, biting lightly on Faramir’s bottom lip and pulling it away just enough so he couldn’t talk. “I have practiced on both pillows and Elves, and I have had no complaints yet. I will be more than happy to put them to good use if they help you recover.”

Faramir was amused by Haldir’s words and actions. He snuggled as best he could against the strong body and thought that one day when he was healed he would love to do this without any clothing between them. He closed his eyes and smiled. “Aye, not a single complaint from me… it was good practice but you can continue to practice on me anytime you like,” he whispered as his body relaxed. He was tired from both his injury and from the news he’d been given. He had been so upset and it had worn him out crying as he had, soon it all took its toll and the young man was sleeping heavily against Haldir’s chest.

As soon as Faramir’s breathing deepened, Haldir, who had only been pretending to sleep, opened his eyes and stared down at the man resting against him. “An odd man indeed,” he whispered almost fondly. “I think I might even miss you after I leave you in Gondor.” With that, he sighed, closed his eyes again, and fell into a real sleep this time. It was strange, sleeping next to someone, being so close, but not unpleasant at all. In fact, had he thought about it (which he didn’t), he kind of enjoyed the feeling.

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