Faramir Fiction Archive

Because of You (NC-17)

Written by Sairalinde and Anorienbean

24 December 2008 | 98532 words

Chapter 18

“I am Haldir.” The same little Elfling stood in the dining hall, tray in hand, with no idea what to do. He’d approached a kind-looking Elfling who looked to be not much older than him, hoping to at least find a friendly face.

“Shhh! You must not talk!”

Haldir was taken aback, but determined. Lowering his voice, he followed the Elfing as the line moved a bit. “But… I was just…”

“We do not speak unless spoken to,” the other Elf hissed.

Haldir bit his bottom lip and felt his eyes fill with tears… again. “Please. I am afraid. I know no one here, and…”

The slightly taller Elfling sighed and glared at Haldir, though his features softened a bit when he saw that the smaller Elf truly was terrified. “Warriors are never afraid and they are never lonely. They need no one but themselves. Those are the rules we…”

The words were abruptly cut off when the headmaster grabbed both Haldir and his companion by the hair, jerking their heads up viciously. “What have we here? Trying to make friends, are we?” He laughed and drug both Elves to the front of the room. “Warriors do not need friends, nor do they need to be friendly.” As he spoke, he ripped the Elflings’ tunics off and shoved them both face first against the table behind him. “I would have thought you knew better, Orin! Though I think an example shall be made out of you both.”

With that, he pulled out a leather flogger that had at least a dozen tails, each one tied at the end with a single knot. Haldir struggled, but other, older Elves pulled down his breeches, humiliating him further, then held him down against the table.

As the first lash fell and Orin glared at him, Haldir stopped struggling and realized that his life would never be the same.

“Warriors MUST be useful at all times!!” The second lash across his backside broke the skin. “They NEVER cry!” The third hurt so badly, Haldir screamed loudly enough to make the other ELflings cover their ears. “They NEVER show pain!” He thought the fourth lash would surely be the death of him, but they continued. After the tenth blow, he was released, and collapsed to the floor, sobbing softly as all the other Elves in the room looked away. Each of his ‘lessons’ rang in his ears, but the last one was especially loud. “And they do NOT need friends!”

Faramir awoke with a start, his entire body jerking as he sat up in the bed and tears gathered in his eyes, his heart breaking for Haldir. No wonder he said he did not need friends and was so… so unemotional most of the time.

Haldir was awake before Faramir had finished sitting up in bed beside him. Always a light sleeper, his dreams that night had kept him on edge, and the slight movement of his lover pulling away made his eyes open and his body tense at once. He sat up and put his arm around his lover’s shoulders. “Faramir? What is it? What’s wrong?”

Feeling Haldir’s arm around him, Faramir sank against him and wrapped his arms around the strong Elf. “I… I had a dream… of you,” he whispered and looked up into Haldir’s eyes. “Gods, love… I am so sorry. They had no right to treat you that way, none at all… they were wrong. Even warriors need friends, especially in battle to support one another to protect one another… they were wrong,” he said babbling a little and pressing little kisses against Haldir’s face. To him he was making perfect sense but he was still too caught up in the events of the dream to realize he might be confusing Haldir.

Blue Elven eyes widened as Faramir spoke and kissed him so gently though Haldir wasn’t sure what he was talking about. Already, he had almost forgotten the dream he’d had so often, only traces of shame and pain lingering on the fringes of his subconscious mind. His hands moved soothingly over Faramir’s back and he gathered his lover close, shaking his head. “Meleth, what are you talking about? Who needs protection and… who did something wrong, and by the Valar, why are their tears in your eyes?” He was seeing the one thing on all of Arda that made him truly want to panic – Faramir’s tears. He never knew how to deal with them, but since they were together, it was his job to do so. He just… was terrible at it. Pressing a kiss to Faramir’s temple, he held him closer. “What happened?”

Looking up at his lover, Faramir realized he was not making any sense. “I saw… your past… why… why there are scars on your back. You were just an Elfling… Gods how could anyone do that? I… I saw all of it Haldir and I felt… I could feel your pain and humiliation. They had no right to do that. None. I have never in my life beaten a soldier for such things. Are… are all Elven warriors trained like this?” Faramir asked starting to at least feel a little calmer than before.

Haldir’s face flushed hotly as he realized Faramir had seen his shame, though he had no idea how that was possible. Had his lover experienced his dream or had the Valar shown him something Haldir had no wish for anyone ever to see? He stiffened slightly, wishing he could somehow erase the images from Faramir’s mind so he wouldn’t have to feel his lover’s pity, but he answered at once, trying to pretend it was nothing to be concerned about. “No, they are not all trained like that,” he said, his voice devoid of any emotion. “I was sent away before Rúmil and Orophin were born. I was privileged enough to get the very best training.”

“Privileged? Haldir…” Faramir shook his head at a loss and sighed. “That was cruel and harsh and while it made you a wonderful warrior, it hurt you.” Tangling his fingers with Haldir’s the young man leaned against him. “It was not right.” Faramir knew he could do little to change what had happened to Haldir and had shaped him into the Elf that he was now, but he now understood why his lover was so uncomfortable with emotions and with the concept of friendship.

“I am one of the best and strongest warriors Lothlórien had ever seen,” Haldir said proudly, falling back on one of the true feelings he was comfortable expressing – arrogance. “Had I not been trained to avoid the pitfalls my brothers fell into – friendships and romance and all those other useless emotions at such an early age, I might have ended up just like them.” Though on some level, that thought made him wonder what his life would have been like had he not avoided those ‘pitfalls’ another part of him shuddered… to be that vulnerable to so many friends and loved ones… no – it was unfathomable. “How did you know this? And how did you know I was dreaming about this very thing?”

“You… you were dreaming it too?” Faramir asked in surprise and stared at his lover for a long moment. “I… that was why I woke up the way I did… I… I dreamed of you as an Elfling… of… I could feel it, Haldir… as if it were me,” he whispered softly. It wasn’t uncommon for Faramir to dream though generally it was of the future but it was not common to share another’s dreams. “I do not know how I dreamed this… I had just… I’d been curious about the scars on your back is all. I had no idea that was how they came to be there.”

Shaking his head in denial, Haldir’s fingers moved gingerly over Faramir’s back, almost expecting to feel scars that matched his own. “You… you felt it?” He closed his eyes and tried to push away all thoughts of his ‘training’ days… days that stretched into years, and then into two centuries. “No… we must stop this. I do not want you to feel that pain. It was… it was…” He shuddered and showed what were, in his mind, grave weaknesses – pain and sorrow. “I cannot bear the thoughts of you feeling it to, Faramir. So… how do we stop this? NOW?”

Faramir shook his head as he reached up and took Haldir’s face in both of his hands. “I wanted to know… and I do want to feel that pain. I want to share everything with you Haldir, happiness, pain… everything because I love you. I do not wish for it to stop,” he whispered brushing his lips against Haldir’s.

Haldir gazed into Faramir’s eyes for a moment without speaking. He was being just what he despised – weak and vulnerable, but he could see that for once, he wasn’t being judged or found lacking. Even as he vowed to try and keep his dreams from affecting Faramir, he saw the truth and depths of his lover’s feelings as their gazes held and soft lips brushed against his own. “I do not understand you,” he said softly, gathering the young man up in his arms and pulling him into his lap. Burying his face against the warmth of Faramir’s neck, he closed his eyes and simply breathed in the scent he loved so dearly. “And I know I do not think to say it very often, but Gods, I love you Faramir.”

Sliding easily into Haldir’s lap, Faramir wrapped himself around his lover, holding him close. Little did Haldir know but Faramir did not find him weak at all, he found him to be incredibly strong for enduring such harsh training and still having a good heart beneath it all. “It is good that you do not have to understand me to love me then,” he teased just a little and snuggled against his lover. “You have no idea how much you mean to me Haldir… I would endure any pain, physical or emotional for you… not just to protect you as I did the night we met… but to share your burdens just as you share mine.”

Soft kisses were pressed against Faramir’s face as Haldir told him without words just how much he meant to the Elf who had such a difficult time saying what he felt the majority of the time, especially in situations like this. “I would prefer to carry both our burdens,” he murmured, still letting his hands roam lovingly over Faramir’s sleep-warmed skin, “but it seems you gave me no choice…” His words trailed off and he froze, pulling away only enough to see his lover’s eyes in the moonlight. “Faramir, I… gods, it almost sounds like we have formed a bond… a bond like Elves who mate for life form when they have se… make love. But… that cannot be possible.”

Faramir was enjoying the way that Haldir was kissing him and the way that his lover touched him but suddenly the Elf drew away. Puzzled, he stared at Haldir in the dim light. “But… but I am not an Elf, how can that be possible? No… no it just must be my ability to have visions… right?” Faramir asked curiously. Could it be possible for a human and an Elf to share such a bond? Though there was little doubt that his love for Haldir was for life.

Stunned at the very idea – especially the idea the he was capable of even forming a bond – not to mention with a human, Haldir toyed idly with a lock of Faramir’s hair and tried to think. “But… you felt everything, as I always do in my dreams, and that is always one of the first signs of an Elven bond. And that day that your… that you were taken to the mausoleum, I heard you somehow – I heard you calling out for me, but we both know I was too far away and you were unconscious anyway.” He stopped, wound his lover’s hair around his finger and lifted his other hand to rub tiredly over his face. “I… am frankly quite confused…”

Faramir sat for a moment thinking about Haldir’s words. Thinking of how he always felt warmer when Haldir was near, how his pain seemed less when he was close, how he’d fought the healers even in Rohan when Haldir’s touch he accepted so easily and then of course Haldir was right. How had he heard him that day? “If… if that is what is happening a bond forming or… has already formed between us… are you glad or… or would you rather it would not?” Faramir asked, worried about the answer. They had spoken of the short term only, staying together yes but neither of them had spoken of a lifetime.

Haldir thought about Faramir’s question for a moment, his eyes traveling over luxurious dark hair, loving and beautiful blue eyes, and soft, perfect lips. He had never thought it was possible for him to fall in love, but there was no denying that he had. As he studied his lover’s face, he knew that no matter how long he lived, he would never find another love like the one he shared with this man. His arms moved back around Faramir’s body and gently pulled him close again. Smiling only slightly, he pressed his lips over his lover’s and let his tongue delve just inside. He was feeling a bit foolish after saying and thinking all the romantic things he’d shared, but not foolish enough to completely back away. “I think I could tolerate being bound to you forever,” he whispered.

Faramir sank into the kiss, feeling warmth flood through his body as Haldir kissed him gently. It was such a tender kiss that Faramir’s breath was almost taken away from him as he stared into his lover’s eyes. He smiled at Haldir’s words. “I think I could tolerate that as well,” he whispered in return. Leaning forward he pressed his lips to Haldir’s again and then buried his face against his neck.

Haldir lay back against the pillows, still cradling Faramir against him, and turned over on his side. Rarely did he let his side of himself be seen, but in a way, it was good that he had, because now at least, Faramir understood why most emotions were so hard for him to speak of. He still planned on doing his best to keep his lover from the pain he’d suffered as an Elfling, but he somehow thought that he wouldn’t be having those dreams quite as often. It was almost as if Faramir had done just as he’d said, and physically lifted some of the burden Haldir had always carried on his shoulders away. “I would tell you to stay out of my dreams, but you never listen to me anyway,” he sighed, tugging the blankets up over their shoulders. “So I suppose I shall just wish you happier dreams this time.”

Faramir moved easily into the cradle of Haldir’s arms and snuggled against him as he always had. He loved the feeling of their bodies pressed closely together like that. “Hmmm, I listen… I just do not always agree,” he argued teasingly and then frowned a little. “I am sorry for invading your dreams though… I do not know how it happened but… I know you did not wish to share that part of your past with me and it was as if I just went and looked on my own. I did not mean to though,” Faramir said after a few moments. He honestly had no idea how it was that he had shared Haldir’s dream and he certainly did not make a conscious effort to do so. Not as if he were purposefully snooping through Haldir’s effects.

Smiling in the near darkness, Haldir shrugged after a moment. “I did not wish anyone to see that, but only because you saw my shame – I was crying and helpless and lost – not the Elf you know today. That Elfling is long gone. He died that day and all possibilities of my being a ‘normal,’ loving Elf died with him. So you should be absolutely certain that I am what you want before we let this bond get any stronger. Once it is completely forged, it cannot be broken.”

Faramir looked up at his lover and shook his head. “You had nothing to be ashamed of, I did not feel pity for you Haldir… I felt anger toward your trainers and heartbreak because you deserved to be treated better than that. That is all. There is no shame in what you felt. Do you feel ashamed of me when I cry? I do not think you know how to handle it but you are not ashamed of me,” he whispered. Thinking for only a moment Faramir pressed his lips to Haldir’s gently. “And I do want you… just the way you are, I always have.”

“I have never been ashamed of you,” Haldir said honestly, almost purring as they shared their body heat and the delicious sensation of flesh on flesh with no barriers between them relaxed him back to drowsiness. “And as for what you want… well, you have me, guren. You have me…”

Faramir smiled as his body began to relax against Haldir’s, his body still tired from all the work they’d done that day. “Mmm, and you have me, love…” he whispered in return as he settled against Haldir and began to drift back to sleep again. He was still surprised about a possible bond between them… how can a human and an Elf form a bond? But there was no doubting that something more was at work. He had questions but for now he just wished to sleep.

Just in case, Haldir tried to steer his mind toward happier times, but found that the only really happy memories he had were already shared with Faramir. He concentrated on those memories however, and hoped that if Faramir happened to wander into his dreams again, that at least this time, he would find pleasant ones. “Night, meleth. Sleep well…”

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