Faramir Fiction Archive

Because of You (NC-17)

Written by Sairalinde and Anorienbean

24 December 2008 | 98532 words

Chapter 10

Faramir took a deep breath when Haldir left the room, still trying to understand everything that he felt. He realized that it was likely much more than Haldir himself had felt and mentally scolded himself for letting his emotions run away with him. Haldir had warned him that he was not an emotional sort but when he’d looked at him… just… the briefest of moments it had felt as if there was something more in the Elf’s dazzling blue eyes. You are a fool, Faramir. Trying to see things that simply are not there. This was just release to him, just something physical, do not make the mistake of letting your heart rule your head. Though a part of him knew deep down it was too late. He’d do anything for Haldir he realized but not falling in love with him might not be something Faramir was capable of.

By the time Haldir re-entered the room, he was almost back to normal, having taken a firm hold of his emotions and gathering his wits about him. He was his usual self as he sat back down beside the bed, traded the old water for the new, and giving no sign that anything out of the ordinary had happened. He finished cleaning Faramir then stood again. “Now… it is time for your back, and then I will see where our food is. You need to build your strength up, or the return trip to Gondor will surely exhaust you.”

Faramir had remained silent when Haldir returned and cleaned him. The air wasn’t thick or heavy with unspoken words though, simply back to the way it always seemed to be between them. A part of him was disappointed while the other thought it was best to keep his emotions from getting the better of him. He concentrated on making sure Haldir’s touch didn’t rekindle his desires and moved so that Haldir could wash his back. When Haldir spoke of rebuilding his strength, Faramir couldn’t help but laugh then. “Many more sessions like earlier and I am sure I will be up and about in no time… best exercise I’ve had in quite a very long time,” he teased.

“You will not hear any complaints from me,” Haldir grinned, relieved that what they had just shared – whatever it had been – hadn’t changed things between them. Maybe he’d just overreacted? It had been some time since he’d had the time or patience to have a sexual partner, and it could just have been the fact that he’d never been with a Man before that made it feel… different. He continued his ministrations and forced himself not to stare at Faramir’s backside. “I will be more than happy to help you exercise as often as you like… or as often as you are ‘up’ to it.”

Faramir snorted and ended up chuckling then. “Your kisses seem to assure me of being ‘up’ to it. And I am surprised that my shoulder does not hurt at all… honestly. Perhaps you have some sort of healing magic in your kisses?” Faramir asked teasingly but it was honest. He was not feeling any pain. Perhaps soon he would be given leave to at least get out of bed? “Do you think the healers will let me get out of bed soon? I feel lazy.”

Even the talk of ‘magic kisses’ didn’t help Haldir to realize how much stronger and healthier Faramir was when they were together. He simply shrugged and helped Faramir to lie back down. Carefully, he began working around the wound, his hands efficient, but gentle as they applied ointment and salves. Had he been working on anyone else – either Man or Elf, he would have been much quicker, and much less concerned with their pain, but he somehow seemed to have grown to care about Faramir’s state of mind and physical well being and didn’t want to hurt him. He could deny it all he wanted, even to himself, but knew that once they reached Gondor and he and the Ranger parted ways, he would feel a lot more relaxed. “He should be here soon and we can ask him. I will put the dressing on after he leaves, and if he says yes, then we can go for a short walk today, then a longer one tomorrow. The sooner we leave Helm’s Deep, the better, as I am sure you agree.”

Faramir frowned knowing what Haldir meant by leaving Helm’s Deep, it meant the Elf would be that much closer to the battle he sought to end his life. Feeling petty enough to almost wish himself a fever, Faramir had to bite back a sigh. “Aye… a walk sounds good,” he said trying not to address the other because he knew they were of differing opinions. Besides, going back to Gondor for him meant returning to… so much he didn’t wish to think on. Not the least of which how his father would react… going against his orders… almost getting himself killed… and… Gods, the hardest part… Boromir’s death.

Haldir saw a dark shadow behind Faramir’s eyes, and was suddenly terrified that he would cry again. Before that could happen, he made his way back out into the hall, found the first healer who happened to pass by, and literally drug him into the room by the collar of his tunic. “Oh look, Faramir,” he said in a falsely bright tone of voice as the healer hung helplessly before him, his feet not even touching the floor and his face wearing a look of both amusement and resignation. Whatever he had been going to do would have to wait; he should have known better than to walk by this room, of all places. Haldir continued as if the healer had just eagerly bounced into the room to examine him. “Here’s one now! Maybe we can take that walk sooner rather than later!”

Faramir looked up and found himself laughing as he looked at the poor healer practically dangling in Haldir’s grasp. “Haldir…” Faramir shook his head and laughed again and looked apologetically at the healer who seemed at least somewhat good-natured about the whole thing. “I seem to be feeling much better, I was wondering if perhaps you could give me leave to get out of bed at least?” he paused as the man was still caught in Haldir’s hands. “Haldir… I think you can put him down now.” Faramir’s lips were twitching and the healer set about straightening his tunic as he was set down on his feet again and practically bolted over to the bed to examine the young man.

He looked from Faramir to the Elf for a moment, stunned at how quickly the wound was healing. It really should not be this well in such a short period of time. “You heal exceedingly quickly, lord Faramir… I… I believe you can get up for short periods of time but if you feel tired do not push yourself. I would hate to see you undo all the progress you’ve made,” the healer said after a moment.

Pleased but somewhat surprised at the healer’s words, Haldir sat on the edge of the bed and made sure the blanket stayed up above his patient’s waist. “Faramir is quite strong. He will not undo any progress.” As he looked at the healer, he suddenly realized that he wasn’t that old, nor that bad looking. Next time, he vowed, he’d pick someone old and ugly. It was a ridiculous thought, and one he wasn’t about to analyze, but it ran through his head nevertheless. “I am making sure he does not overdo it,” Haldir said, suddenly slipping between Faramir and the healer’s outstretched hands just as the healer was going to touch the wound. Again. “Thank you for your time. I will take over from here.” His voice was a bit harder now, the false smile he’d had on his face a moment ago both from the relief that Faramir wouldn’t be crying and the positive words from the healer now long gone.

Faramir glanced down as Haldir sat down and it seemed his hands were practically holding the blanket around his waist. He tried not to react and simply smiled at the healer. The healer was maybe the same age as Boromir had been and had a kind smile. It was as he realized those things, he also noticed how close Haldir was sitting and how each time the healer reached to probe the wound, Haldir seemed to get in the way. The healer sighed and sat back looking at Faramir kindly and flicking a look of annoyance toward the Elf beside him.

“Quite surprised you asked my opinion at all,” the man muttered as he stood up and headed quickly toward the door. “I’ll have your meals sent later, just remember if you feel tired, lord Faramir, rest. Do not push yourself, no matter what anyone else says.” With that, the man was gone and Faramir found himself bemused by the entire meeting.

Haldir’s face flushed as the healer looked up at him and muttered under his breath. His last comment set the Elf’s nerves on edge, and had he not been holding the blanket, he would have chased after – and caught – the healer before he’d left the room. As it was, he waited, fuming, as the man stood and crossed the room, gritting his teeth and balling the blanket up in his fists. “I think I need to have a word with him…” he growled. “Excuse me, Faramir.”

“Haldir!” Faramir called sitting up on the bed unsure what to say. He did not think it was worth getting upset over but Haldir was already nearly to the door and obviously angry at the words the healer had spoken. The man had a right to be slightly upset by the way he was ‘handled’ but not the way he said his last words… as if Haldir would push him. “They… they just…” he paused and frowned. Just what, Faramir? Just do not understand you? Just do not know you? You are fooling yourself if you think you do.

Turning on his heel just before he reached the door, Haldir arched one eyebrow, still furious at the healer and not really even understanding why. Did that vile little man really think Haldir would push Faramir too far? That he would even consider letting Faramir get out of bed if there was any chance at all that it was too soon? And, by the Valar, did he have to keep trying to touch Faramir?? He eyes narrowed as he waited for his companion to finish, but only silence filled the room. Unknowingly, he repeated the words Faramir was just thinking? “They just..what?” he snapped. “They think I would ever consider hurting you? They think I would put anything before your health? They think I am not taking good care of you? And why are you defending him? Were you… attracted to him? Because he certainly could not seem to keep his hands off of you!”

Faramir opened his mouth to argue when Haldir said that the healer may have thought Haldir might hurt him and then suddenly his anger turned to take on… jealousy? Jealousy? Haldir is jealous? Faramir was so stunned, he simply sat there for a moment trying to take in the words. “If you must know… no, I was not attracted to him. He was… handsome, the first thought I had was that he was my brother’s age and had a kind smile… I… I did not think of him. Well… not the way I think of you. And… and it is his job to touch me, you know? To check my wound… I did not notice any other touch that… Gods, why am I even arguing this with you?” Faramir laughed then and shook his head. “And no… I do not think they believe you will hurt me… in fact I do not believe they would have left me in your care if they did believe that… the men of Rohan trust Elves much less than those of Gondor… surely you know that,” Faramir stopped speaking then and simply looked at Haldir. His heart did a funny flip in his chest it seemed as he still took in the very idea that Haldir was jealous. And Gods, what did it say about him that he liked that possessiveness?

Haldir looked between Faramir and the door and back again. Faramir’s words were reasonable and calm, though Haldir thought he looked quite pleased with himself for some reason at the same time. He had no idea how or why he was so angry, but knew his anger wasn’t directed at the man on the bed who was looking at him so oddly all of a sudden. If only he hadn’t been so caught up in their… activities earlier, maybe none of this would have happened. He blamed everything solely on his momentary lapse of control, and rationalized that things had been wrong ever sense. He would have to simply keep a better hold on… well, everything, really.

With a deep, resigned sigh, he sat heavily down in his usual chair and wrinkled his nose at Faramir. “See, if you had just looked away when that orc was behind me, none of this would have happened. You would have been safe and healthy and back in Gondor and I would be in the Halls of Mandos and we would both have been content and not arguing and I would not have to chase after all the healers who seem to find you a bit more attractive than they do all their other patients. I mean, honestly! The man was practically ready to burrow under the covers and… and do what I did earlier to you!” All right, maybe that was an exaggeration, he knew that even as he said the words, but not by much.

Faramir frowned deeply when Haldir spoke of death again and sighed heavily himself. “I would not take back what I did for anything… these… these weeks with you I would not change it even to escape the pain. As much as it… discomforts you I do like your company… apparently even when you are being an extremely grumpy and cross Elf… I still like your company. Not sure what that says about me exactly… but it is the way it is,” he answered and looked down at the bed. “And if that man were to burrow under the covers, he’d probably have found out that my legs work perfectly fine because I would have kicked him right out of the bed. Do not think just because I gave myself to you so… willingly, that I am that way with everyone. I do not take lovers on a whim, Haldir.”

NO one talked to Haldir that way… at least not to his face. He thought vaguely that he might have just been insulted, but then realized that yes, he was a grumpy and cross Elf. The other words – the ones about Faramir enjoying his company and about what would happen if the healer had touched him, however, made Haldir feel rather… well, most people would have said, ‘warm’ inside, but since Haldir wasn’t like that, he’d settle for feeling… vindicated. “Well,” he sniffed, reaching for the bandages to redress Faramir’s wound, “I did not think you would take a lover so carelessly, but either way… I daresay that once you and I are more intimate, you will find everyone else lacking.”

Faramir almost laughed as Haldir spoke, thinking that the Elf was entirely too full of himself but Haldir may not be all that wrong. Just Faramir’s reactions to his kisses, his touch… if just what had happened earlier was any indication Faramir would find others lacking because none had stirred him that much. “Actually,” Faramir said softly and looked up, smiling just a little as Haldir began to unroll one of the bandages, “I already find your touch and your kisses much more… stirring than any others I’ve ever had so… though I’d like to scoff and tease that you are entirely too arrogant… you are likely right.”

Haldir’s lips twitched as he moved from his chair to the bed and added a bit more salve to his bandage before gently dressing the wound with a touch so light, his hands barely even seemed to touch Faramir’s skin. “I am only arrogant because I have a right to be,” he smirked. “You just said so yourself. Why, I would wager that if I had the time or the inclination, all the Elves I have paid for their services would have paid me for the privilege of just touching me… let alone sharing my bed for a few hours.” He was leaning over Faramir as he bound the last bandage and impulsively turned to lick at the red spot on his neck he himself had put there earlier. “Why I bet almost everyone here in Helm’s Deep – including your touchy little healer – would give their right arm to be marked by
me in such a manner…” In truth, he had never asked any of his bedmates if he was doing anything right, and since he had never given a second thought to their pleasure anyway, it hadn’t really mattered before. He wasn’t about to let Faramir know that of course, though.

Faramir’s laugh turned into a giggle when Haldir licked him and he looked up at the Elf shaking his head. “Not an ounce of shame in you… not a one,” he teased in return but still smiling. Haldir was entirely too smug and normally Faramir despised that in someone but Haldir was just so matter-of-fact about it that he couldn’t seem to be anything but amused. “Aye, you may be right but I should hope that is not your aim. I… I like that it is me you choose to mark and not any of them.”

It occurred to Haldir that he had never marked another… and it was odd that only now did he do so, when he was only weeks away from what was surely the end of his life on Arda, and marking a man on top of everything else. Lost in his thoughts, he ran his fingertip lightly over the skin he had turned into a deep red bruise and smiled. “No, I have no desire to mark any other,” he conceded in a soft voice. “Nor have I ever marked anyone before. It is fitting, I suppose, that the man who almost died in my place – against my will, I might add – should bear such a mark.” He shook his head, the thoughts of his imminent demise cheering him a bit in some ways but making him feel rather… odd in others, and sighed. With a quick swipe of his tongue over the reddened skin one last time, he sat up and stretched. “Now… would you prefer that walk now or after dinner?”

Surprised by Haldir’s words, Faramir simply stared at him for a moment. He has never marked anyone else before? It made him feel special, though Haldir’s next words made him frown a little. Yes, it had been against Haldir’s will that Faramir had saved his life but at some point the young man couldn’t help but hope that the Elf would decide that Faramir had done the right thing after all. But how would he find a way to convince Haldir there was something more for him than traveling to Mandos? He squirmed a little as Haldir licked at his neck again and sat up. “Now? I am a little anxious to at least stand up… I really do not like laying in this bed all the time.”

More than ready to lighten the mood a bit and distract him from his unbidden thoughts, Haldir simply leaned over and scooped Faramir up in his arms as if he weighed no more than the pillow he was laying on. He did it in such a manner that the young man’s body was perfectly still and just as it had been on the bed, so there would be no pain from the change in positions. “Then you shall not lie in bed,” he smiled, holding Faramir against his chest. “I will set you down slowly, but keep a hold on you… and I promise not to let you fall.”

Expecting to scoot to the edge of the bed himself, Faramir was shocked though touched by the way Haldir scooped him into his arms and held him so tenderly. It was at odds with everything the Elf said… his actions never seemed to quite match his words at times and Faramir found that he enjoyed that. Enjoyed never knowing what strange… and so far… wonderful impulse struck Haldir. “Thank you,” he managed as his legs were slowly and carefully lowered. Resting on his feet after so many days had passed, Faramir winced just a little, feeling as if sharp pins were sticking the bottoms of his feet. “I think I will need a hand to move… but it should not take me long to get back to my old self now,” he said holding tight to Haldir’s shoulder as he waited for his body to catch up to what he was doing.

Haldir held Faramir steady and nodded. “Aye, I think we will have you home in no time at all,” he said softly, running his hand over the tensed muscles of Faramir’s back as he stood for the first time in far too long. “And then…” His words trailed off and he found that for the first time, he didn’t want to talk about what would happen after that. “I will not let you push yourself though. You were near death for too long for either of us to take your health lightly.” As he said the words ‘near death’ he couldn’t help remember Faramir’s pale and almost lifeless face and shivered unconsciously as this time, he couldn’t push the image away.

Faramir frowned deeply when Haldir paused the ‘and then’ leading the man’s mind to think on the plans the Elf had for after he returned him to Gondor. He wasn’t sure what to say, wanted to come up with some way to delay them in fact… but of course that was not an option. He swallowed hard though from the tone of Haldir’s voice and the shiver he had. “Are you all right?” he asked suddenly forgetting about the ache of his legs that he hadn’t used in far too long. He feared that Haldir disliked the idea of spending so long waiting for Faramir to be well, feared the Elf would frankly rather die than spend more time with him. “I… know you would not push me… but I promise I will not… be more of a burden to you, Haldir if that is your concern.”

It took Haldir a moment to follow Faramir’s thoughts, but once he did, he shook his head in dismay. One hand rested at the small of the man’s back and the other held the pale face before him still until their gazes met. So many words came to mind that he could have said – that Faramir wasn’t a burden, never had been, that the only burden he bore was his own solitary life, but even that had felt different to him lately. The words wouldn’t seem to fall from his lips, however hard he might try and a moment later he realized that he was once again doing what he’d sworn only hours earlier never to do again. He was letting this Ranger… this man get to too close. “Do not concern yourself with… with my concerns,” he said, releasing Faramir’s face, and looking away, though he kept a firm arm around his waist. “You just concentrate on your recovery.”

Faramir was captured first by Haldir’s hand and then his eyes seemed to pin him in place. He stared into them wondering what he saw there, wondering what it was that the Elf wished to say. Again his words did not entirely match everything that seemed to pass between them and Faramir looked down, his body still close to Haldir’s. He nodded slowly. “All right.” Looking down for a moment, Faramir took a breath. “I think I am ready to see if my legs will tolerate a short walk… maybe to the window?” he suggested feeling the need to change the subject. Haldir nodded and picked up a soft robe off the back of the chair and wrapped it around Faramir’s shoulders carefully. He smiled just a little, nodding in thanks before they started to move.

Haldir simply nodded and turned toward the window. So often he had looked out that very window, wondering where the battle that would end his life was taking place, wondering where and when he would finally, finally meet his glorious death. As he held Faramir close against him, however, and they took one tiny, faltering step forward together, he found that his thoughts were now wondering what a life – not death – in Gondor would be like.

Faramir clung to Haldir and was grateful for his arm around his waist as he took a step. His legs felt stiff and a bit sore from lying in bed so much but Gods, it was actually rather nice to be vertical again. “You’d think I hurt my legs and not just hurt my shoulder as stiff as my legs are… I must be getting old,” he teased, “I do not recall feeling like this the last time I had to spend time in bed from an injury.” Though that injury had taken place when he was very young and taken a rather bad fall from a horse. “I think I had only been in bed for two weeks then,” he explained as they walked.

They finally made it to the window, and Haldir sat on the chair beneath it, settling Faramir in his lap so he could regain his strength and catch his breath. “Well, you are certainly aging well,” he laughed, doing one of things that seemed to have turned into his favorite tasks lately and tucking a lock of hair behind Faramir’s ear. “And tell me about what happened and why you were in bed for two weeks.”

Faramir smiled and took a relieved breath as Haldir pulled him into his lap. It touched him when the Elf tucked his hair behind his ear as he seemed to do often and smiled. “Oh… I was just a horrible child is all. It wasn’t the first time I spent time in the healing house in Gondor… I was a bit clumsy as a child… or always trying to do things I wasn’t quite big enough to do. Boromir was older and larger than me… and I looked up to him so much that I tried to do everything he did. Mimic him I suppose. That time… I had been thrown from a horse; I was around ten at the time. The horse was too big for me, I knew better… but Boromir could ride him, so naturally I thought I should be able to as well… if I hadn’t been injured I’m certain my father would have given me a good thrashing for it…” Faramir went on to explain the entire tale of breaking his arm and being knocked unconscious for several days. It was mealtime by the time Faramir finished his tale and they decided to eat right there next to the window.

Normally not one to ask, or even care about anyone’s history, Haldir found himself laughing and shaking his head over Faramir’s story. He didn’t even take the time to be embarrassed when their dinner was delivered, even though sitting with a fully grown Man in his lap might have made the other Elves fall over themselves wondering just who had bewitched him and how they had managed to make him smile. By the time they’d finished and simply talked for a while, enjoying the cool breeze, Faramir seemed to be too tired to even attempt walking back to the bed. Without asking, Haldir lifted him up again and carried him across the room. “We should call it an early night,” he said softly as he lay the exhausted young man down on the bed and smiled. “You look tired.”

Faramir had thoroughly enjoyed their meal and though it might have been strange sitting with Haldir the way he had, neither had made any mention of changing the situation. In fact, they stayed as they were even after dinner. When he yawned and Haldir picked him up, carrying him back to bed, Faramir smiled up at him. “Mmmm, I am tired… thank you, Haldir…” he whispered hoping the Elf realized he was thanking him for so much more than simply carrying him to bed. A part of him wanted to offer for Haldir to sleep next to him as he’d done before and he paused for only a moment. “If you are a bit tired too… you could join me again… to keep me warm.”

It was difficult to look away, Haldir thought, when those warm blue eyes were looking up at him like that. They had shared the bed while sleeping before, and after all, they had been together, and… well, there was no need for Faramir to be cold. He untied the robe he’d wrapped around Faramir’s shoulders earlier, helped him out of it and removed his own tunic. “I think you would heal faster if you were not cold,” he agreed as he slipped under the covers a bit stiffly, unsure of just how they would fit together. Normally, Haldir had just sat up in bed and watched over his charge, but that wasn’t very warm. “Get comfortable… I will… adapt.”

Faramir smiled as Haldir began to crawl into the bed with him. He wasn’t about to let the Elf know he wasn’t really all that cold. Instead he bit his lip and waited when the arrogant voice said ‘I will… adapt’. He snuggled closely, pleased that Haldir had removed his tunic this time, and rested his cheek against Haldir’s bare chest. “Is this all right?” he asked innocently as his body fit snug against Haldir’s side.

Haldir’s eyes widened as Faramir rested so closely against him, and it took him a moment to realize that the feeling wasn’t really so terrible after all. “I suppose it will do,” he whispered, relaxing as much as he could. All right, so maybe it wasn’t all that uncomfortable, but no one had to know that. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with his arms, so he kept them resting against the bed, not wanting to move… in case Faramir moved away and got cold, of course. “Good night Faramir.”

Faramir smiled and closed his eyes, feeling his exhausted body relaxing against the warmth of Haldir’s. “Good night, Haldir,” he whispered in return. Soon after he was asleep, snoring softly and his dreams were the most pleasant he’d had in quite some time. They were of Haldir, peaceful dreams of happiness, of skies that weren’t as dark as they had been of late, dreams of a place Faramir seemed to know but couldn’t recognize right away… dreams of himself being happy as well. Often he was never sure if his dreams were just dreams or visions but this… was too happy to be a vision. Wasn’t it?

Faramir was nice and comfortable and fit so well against him, Haldir relaxed just a bit more and finally fell into a deep sleep, somehow soothed by Faramir’s happy dreams. Just as he somehow allowed Faramir to heal more quickly when he was near, Faramir had that same effect on him, simply at a deeper level. When they were close like this, especially after their earlier intimacy, Haldir’s faer found a peace that it had never known before – one that Haldir himself wouldn’t even recognize. As soon as his breathing deepened and evened out, his arms wound around Faramir and pulled him closer, even in his sleep avoiding his injury and rubbing his back so as to soothe and not wake him. He had no idea of course, and his arms would be firmly back in place by morning, but for that night anyway, he slept deeply and dreamed of happiness as well.

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